Chill out.

Look up. Then look straight ahead.
Take a step. Then keep going.

For almost a year, my life has been very different (in a GOOD way), the kind of different that I honestly did not believe was possible. I mean, let's be real. When you've done the same destructive things for so long, and when you've actually found ways to make it all worse, it is extremely difficult to even begin to entertain the thought of recovery. Consistent recovery. Being able to somehow feel that you are allowed to make choices that will get you to a better place. Finding motivation. Having a personal desire for life. Clinging tightly to hope that you never expected to feel.

And then there is the whole, "What?! The world is not going to implode if I eat something or refuse to use some kind of other behavior that doesn't actually serve me well?" I'm not saying I don't have freak out moments, but I have evidence now that nothing crazy is going to happen and that I don't have to find some destructive way to "remedy" the situation. The thoughts and feelings that can throw me off really DO pass. Seeing that for myself has made such a difference in the way I approach things.

While we're on the subject of those freak out moments, sometimes they don't feel like they will ever go away. These moments (and some days, they are certainly more than just little moments) can and will come in many different forms for any given person.

There can be this HUGE wave of confusion and overwhelming negativity, debilitating fear, damaging insecurity, crushing sorrow, dark depression, deep-rooted self-hatred, infuriating frustration, obsessiveness, impulsiveness, total lack of control, roaring anger. 

I might wake up in the morning and think, "Ok. I'm over it. Tomorrow needs to get here pronto." Some days are just plain hard, and some really freaking suck! But I (we!) must remember that no feeling is final, no circumstance is final. I have been reminded that God is far greater than all of the crap in my life, the messes I get myself into and the ones that may happen to me. He is bigger than our fears, what we lack, where we are weak, in the ways we could never measure up to that unattainable standard in our minds. I am fairly certain that I am not alone in being my own worst enemy, but I would like to believe that we could allow ourselves to receive the grace that will never, ever fail us. I know...it is easier said than done to accept what we know we don't deserve, but we have to try. We must do our best to live in that grace, knowing that we really don't need to judge ourselves as much we do. 

"You are more sinful than you could dare imagine, and you are more loved and accepted than you could ever dare hope." --- Tim Keller

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest." --- Exodus 14:14

God knows we are worth the fight. He loves us and He likes us too. 

Remember today (reminding myself too): No one is a lost cause. Our mistakes do not define us. We are loved relentlessly and without condition. What is scary and what is difficult will not last, and we do not need to compensate with avoidance or impulsivity or destruction. We will make it. We will be ok. 

There truly IS hope - I promise. 

Getting somewhere...?

Truth is a trivial thing.

truth (noun): a verified or indisputable fact.
-- verified (adjective): confirmed
-- indisputable (adjective): unquestionably real or valid, incontestable

Whether it is complex or simple and straight forward, truth can be extremely difficult to grasp. As children we fearlessly accept what is true. We don't analyze it or complicate it - it is what it is. Unfortunately, as we grow and learn, we begin to question so many things about ourselves and about life in general. That does not have to necessarily be a bad thing, because I think we need to figure things out for ourselves on some level. The problem is, however, that we can stray way too far from the truth. It can become scary to accept an unknown or devastating reality, and there are times when other truths can seem too good to be possible.

We doubt. We doubt ourselves. We doubt others. We doubt God. I'm sure the list could go on for many of us. Our doubts can then beget lies, and those lies can become what we believe to be true. There are ideas we somehow come up with or create that devour us. Sometimes we might even hear a negative thing about who we are from another person that may confirm something we already think or it becomes a new lie we believe.

((hopefully some of that makes sense))

For the past couple of weeks I've been writing down different truths as they come to mind in order to remind myself over and over. I have written things like:
- I am loved, and it is perfectly ok to receive that.
- My identity is not in what I have struggled with (eating disorder, self-harm, depression) -- those things are simply part of my story.
- My indentity is not in guilt or shame or mistakes either.
- I am NOT perfect, and I do NOT have to be.
      "Nobody is perfect. I just don't believe in perfection.
        But I do believe in saying, 'This is who I am and look
        at me not being perfect!' I'm proud of that." -- Kate Winslet
- Taking care of myself does not make me selfish.
- God's grace reaches me.
- God loves me relentlessly.
- There is always a way out.
      "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
       God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond
       your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the
       way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." -- 1 Corinthians 10:13
- A step (or two) backwards, sidewides, or in a random circle does not negate the progress that has  already been made.
- Being in recovery does not equal a lack of control.
- I am capable of and allowed to choose how I react.
- The Lord makes brokenness into something beautiful.
       "He has made everything beautiful in its time." -- Ecclesiastes 3:11a
- I have potential.
- God can do things that I cannot do.
- Just because I am different from someone else does not mean I am inadequate.
- I am allowed to be proud of myself.
- I know full well that difficult feelings and thoughts DO pass.
- I am more than how I look on the outside.
- Not only does God love me, He likes me too.
- I can push my fear aside and move forward.
- God is constant and steady no matter how chaotic and inconsistent I am on any given day.
- It really is ok to be happy.

This stuff is not at all easy to accept, believe, and remember, but I am trying to trust that [with practice] my brain will be geared in a better direction.

There are many more truths, but these are the most
prominent ones that have come to my mind.
The cool thing is, this is not only true for me but for others too.

So maybe try to remind yourself of some truth as well.
It is ok to affirm what already exists for us.

Crazy beautiful. Crazy weird.

Lately I have been reminded many times over that life is wildly beautiful and undeniably unpredictable.
It is...
scary
annoying
difficult
confusing
frustrating
overwhelming
inconsistent
sad
and just all over the place
BUT it is also...
special
unique
fascinating
interesting
lovely
vibrant
exciting
breathtaking
surprising
intoxicating
miraculous
strange
happy
and just all over the place

I think of struggle and triumph, sorrow and healing, loss and great gain, then all of the random, little things woven in between. I think of how there are billions of individual stories out there in the world, and I can't help but wonder how we can keep going. There are many people I know personally who have been through hell but have somehow come out on the other side. Sure, we all have a certain level of gumption, strength, willingness, but I believe that there's more to it. I will admit that there are plenty of times when I think that I've got it; however, I can easily be reminded out of nowhere of my weaknesses (that unpredictability I mentioned before). Yes, a lot of that can be my believing lies, judging myself, identifying myself with shame, labeling myself as someone who is broken but beyond repair; but maybe there's another part of it that's necessary for humility. My weaknesses do not HAVE to devour or drown me. What if I allowed them to possibly be a reminder that I can't expect to do everything on my own, that I need the Lord's unwavering grace and constant strength and unconditional love, that there are people in my life to love and support me and walk alongside of me in this crazy journey? What if I sat back, calmed down, and found a way to let those things be enough? And as frustrating as it is to me, what if I let the fact that life is a freaking process be an ok reality?

There are many ways in which we do have to work very hard in our lives, but we don't have to do it alone. Ever.

You mean, this doesn't happen overnight?!

The process that is easy to dread, hard to love, terrifying to embrace, but, OH! SO freeing.

I'm going to be brutally honest about something that not everyone knows...(drumroll) I am Maegan and I have an eating disorder, deal with depression and blah, blah, blah :) I say "blah, blah, blah" only because there are so many minute details that just will not fit on this thing. Trust me. 

I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia since I was 17 years old, finishing up my junior year of high school. I have been to treatment twice and have relapsed who knows how many times, but things are finally different. FINALLY. TRULY.

Have you ever been in that place where something JUST CLICKS? It could be finally understanding a concept in math or science, knowing how to never get lost going to a certain destination downtown, having some kind of personal (and possibly random) revelation. Could be anything! It's pretty dang awesome, right? Well, this past May, the "click" happened for me in regards to all that I've struggled with for these last several years. And hear me out: It is not that I have not wanted to be in recovery during all of this time - I lacked a special kind of willingness, I did not have courage, I had no hope, I could not see my worth, I did not trust that things could change, and my fears paralyzed me entirely. But back at the beginning of May, I realized something very significant: I do not want to live my life in the midst of this disorder, living in fear every single day, while things get progressively worse. And because I do not want that for my life, recovery is my only option. I have to do it. It has to happen even though it will be hard, even though it will be scary, even though I won't like it all the time. I have to take steps forward, and it's ok if they are itty bitty steps too. 

The same day of the "clicking incident," I made a list of things I want. Some of them are big, some are small, and some are even pretty corny. I always keep the list in my wallet just in case I need a reminder now and then. It's nice to know that there are actually things I want that can keep me motivated. If I'm not in recovery, none of that list could truly be experienced. 

Something else I discovered was that this was the very first time that I have wanted to do recovery for myself. People can want it for me all day long (and I certainly have people in my life who love me enough to want it for me), but nothing will change unless I make the move. I can see now that it is completely ok to LIVE a life. I do NOT have to only exist day after day. I also don't have to be ashamed of who I am and what I've been through. No one does. This is all part of my story, but the struggles are not my identity. 

I have realized also that God can do what I cannot do. I heard Kari Jobe say that a few days ago, and it was/is rather powerful to think about. Thank goodness He is everything I lack and more, and thank goodness I do not have to do this alone. I have been pretty good at trying to avoid facing God with all of this crap, even though He is fully aware already. I've had this idea that maybe he'd be too pissed at me for damaging my body and believing lies and making crazy mistakes and hurting others in my life, that maybe He wouldn't forgive me, that maybe His grace wouldn't reach me. 
WRONG!
He forgives me. He generously gives me grace. He does not condemn me, and He does not shame me. I will admit, however, that these concepts are not easy for me to remember every minute of every day. But you know what? The fact that I can actually see those things is more than I could have ever asked for. 

Every day I am very aware of how screwed up my mind is and can be, but I'm thinking that maybe I'm not the only one. And in this awareness, I am reminded that this process is not a quick one, that it's not perfect, that it's tough, that it is often terrifying; but it is possible.  

RELEASING SHAME
release, (verb) - to free from confinement, bondage, pain; to free from anything that restrains or fastens
LEARNING FORGIVENESS
forgiveness, (noun) - justification, overlooking, acquittal, exoneration, compassion
RECEIVING GRACE
grace, (noun) - undeserved, unmerited, unearned, favor  
RADICALLY ACCEPTING
accept, (verb) - to take or receive; to welcome, to secure
...LETTING GO
[self-explanatory]

On My Knees, Overwhelmed

"Find You On My Knees" - Kari Jobe

Troubles chasing me again
Breaking down my best defense
I'm looking
God, I'm looking for You
Weary just won't let me rest
And fear is filling up my head
I'm longing
God, I'm longing for You
But I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith
What if heartache still remains
I'll trust You
My God, I'll trust You
And I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees....

WOW... Ok, I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past couple of days. Can't get enough of the words. It describes perfectly the place I'm in right now. So often I feel out of touch and out of reach.  I tend to want to give up on a lot of things and just stop searching and trying. I start to feel that nothing will ever truly change for me, no matter what I do. I feel too far away, but that's just not true.

The Lord is always near, even when I can't feel His presence. He does not and will not leave, and He's right here in the place I'm in, when I'm at my end. I don't deserve it, but He still covers me with His grace. Whatever my mistakes, whatever my shortcomings, He meets me in those places. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel hopeless. I just have to keep believing and pouring truth into my life. My fickle heart and mind tend to wander away, but I am always brought back to the reality that I am loved and cherished by the Lord. He gives me purpose and reason, even when I don't always know what those things are. He began a good work, and He will finish it. That's quite a promise right there, and He will not break it. What is better than that? I will choose to rest in that reality today.

I am completely overwhelmed by this LOVE today. I wish I could adequately explain what I feel, but words fail me...Just remember: He meets us where we are, no matter the place. We are never too far gone or without hope.

Pain...

"Don't waste your pain." - Clyde Causey (my grandpa, "Poppe")

He's a genius.  What a wise statement and realization he's had and passed along.  He knows pain all too well from different experiences, but he learns from everything he's been through and what he goes through currently.  Poppe has been through quite a bit during his 70 years.  He has experienced deep hurt (physically and emotionally), intense sorrow, and incredible loss.  Does he let all of this destroy him?  By no means!  He learns.  He feels.  He accepts.  He endures.  He loves.  He continues.  He rests.  He remains.  He does not waste his pain.  Oh, how grateful I am to know this man.  What would I do without him?!

I have probably learned more from him than he may realize, but I want to be like him.  I want to be able to grow and learn like he has.  I want to have a wisdom that only comes from life experiences.  How many times have I wasted my pain?  It has probably happened more times than I would like to admit; therefore, I will try my best to do so from here on out.  It's unlikely that things will go according to plan all the time, because there may be times when I feel defeated or discouraged.  There will be mistakes on my part.  Life will happen.  But I must not waste my pain.  I cannot waste my past.  I WILL NOT waste my past.

I am beginning to learn how to forget my regrets, to make them things from which I can learn.  My past is a part of me, but it does not define me by any means.  It is simply a part of my story.  And it is only by GRACE and MERCY that I have even ended up in the place I am today.  I am on my way to being content, satisfied, happy, whole...things I thought would never come.  I am no longer empty, and it is incredible.  So today I choose life.  I choose to accept the Lord's relentless love.  I choose to accept God's strength over my own, for mine is insufficient.  I choose to be hopeful.  I choose to work through my pain.

DON'T WASTE YOUR PAIN.

I Lack...

Isaiah 40:28-29
"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him
who has no might he increases strength."

WHOA! I love these two verses right here. It makes me think about the fact that God is everything I lack.  He is constant when I am inconsistent in all my thoughts and feelings about any given thing.  He is so strong when I am beyond weak.  He is joyous when I am sad.  He makes a way when I cannot decide which direction to turn.  He is peace when all about me is pure chaos.  He is absolute truth when my mind is filled with lies.  He is confident when I am insecure.  HE IS ALL THAT I AM NOT.  And thank goodness!  There is something on which I can rest at any given time, any moment.

It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around all of this.  My God is completely solid and dependable, and I am continuing to realize this day after day.  When I feel like I want to give up, He lets me know that that is not an option.  I learn these things from the many wonderful and encouraging people in my life.  I am blessed beyond measure, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.  I also learn these things any time I read the Word.  I'll admit that it is hard for me to turn straight to the Bible at times, because I feel like I won't find exactly what I need, but I am quickly reminded that that thought is a load of crap.  I find what I need every time, and I choose to believe the words.  It has taken me quite some time to really believe what I read and what I am told through others, but I'm finally in a place where I can believe things for myself.  What a change!

I'll continue to repeat that these last couple of months have been a journey.  I am learning a lot, but I have a long way to go.  But I suppose we all have a long way to go.  This is all a process, and there will always be more to learn.  That is a little scary to me though, because sometimes I want to simply reach a stopping point with everything.  I want to experience some grand revelation that keeps me sustained for the rest of my life, but I don't think life is supposed to work that way.  We are all a work in progress, each being on a different journey.  And I am choosing to believe that this fact is absolutely beautiful.  There is beauty in little light bulbs turning on from time to time, and there is even beauty in the imperfections.  I could go on and on about my desire for perfectionism, but that is most assuredly going to be brought up in another post.  There's not enough room on this one.

Anyway...today I will choose to rest in the strength of the Lord, accepting His peace and security.