Lately I have been reminded many times over that life is wildly beautiful and undeniably unpredictable.
It is...
scary
annoying
difficult
confusing
frustrating
overwhelming
inconsistent
sad
and just all over the place
BUT it is also...
special
unique
fascinating
interesting
lovely
vibrant
exciting
breathtaking
surprising
intoxicating
miraculous
strange
happy
and just all over the place
I think of struggle and triumph, sorrow and healing, loss and great gain, then all of the random, little things woven in between. I think of how there are billions of individual stories out there in the world, and I can't help but wonder how we can keep going. There are many people I know personally who have been through hell but have somehow come out on the other side. Sure, we all have a certain level of gumption, strength, willingness, but I believe that there's more to it. I will admit that there are plenty of times when I think that I've got it; however, I can easily be reminded out of nowhere of my weaknesses (that unpredictability I mentioned before). Yes, a lot of that can be my believing lies, judging myself, identifying myself with shame, labeling myself as someone who is broken but beyond repair; but maybe there's another part of it that's necessary for humility. My weaknesses do not HAVE to devour or drown me. What if I allowed them to possibly be a reminder that I can't expect to do everything on my own, that I need the Lord's unwavering grace and constant strength and unconditional love, that there are people in my life to love and support me and walk alongside of me in this crazy journey? What if I sat back, calmed down, and found a way to let those things be enough? And as frustrating as it is to me, what if I let the fact that life is a freaking process be an ok reality?
There are many ways in which we do have to work very hard in our lives, but we don't have to do it alone. Ever.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
You mean, this doesn't happen overnight?!
The process that is easy to dread, hard to love, terrifying to embrace, but, OH! SO freeing.
I'm going to be brutally honest about something that not everyone knows...(drumroll) I am Maegan and I have an eating disorder, deal with depression and blah, blah, blah :) I say "blah, blah, blah" only because there are so many minute details that just will not fit on this thing. Trust me.
I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia since I was 17 years old, finishing up my junior year of high school. I have been to treatment twice and have relapsed who knows how many times, but things are finally different. FINALLY. TRULY.
Have you ever been in that place where something JUST CLICKS? It could be finally understanding a concept in math or science, knowing how to never get lost going to a certain destination downtown, having some kind of personal (and possibly random) revelation. Could be anything! It's pretty dang awesome, right? Well, this past May, the "click" happened for me in regards to all that I've struggled with for these last several years. And hear me out: It is not that I have not wanted to be in recovery during all of this time - I lacked a special kind of willingness, I did not have courage, I had no hope, I could not see my worth, I did not trust that things could change, and my fears paralyzed me entirely. But back at the beginning of May, I realized something very significant: I do not want to live my life in the midst of this disorder, living in fear every single day, while things get progressively worse. And because I do not want that for my life, recovery is my only option. I have to do it. It has to happen even though it will be hard, even though it will be scary, even though I won't like it all the time. I have to take steps forward, and it's ok if they are itty bitty steps too.
The same day of the "clicking incident," I made a list of things I want. Some of them are big, some are small, and some are even pretty corny. I always keep the list in my wallet just in case I need a reminder now and then. It's nice to know that there are actually things I want that can keep me motivated. If I'm not in recovery, none of that list could truly be experienced.
Something else I discovered was that this was the very first time that I have wanted to do recovery for myself. People can want it for me all day long (and I certainly have people in my life who love me enough to want it for me), but nothing will change unless I make the move. I can see now that it is completely ok to LIVE a life. I do NOT have to only exist day after day. I also don't have to be ashamed of who I am and what I've been through. No one does. This is all part of my story, but the struggles are not my identity.
I have realized also that God can do what I cannot do. I heard Kari Jobe say that a few days ago, and it was/is rather powerful to think about. Thank goodness He is everything I lack and more, and thank goodness I do not have to do this alone. I have been pretty good at trying to avoid facing God with all of this crap, even though He is fully aware already. I've had this idea that maybe he'd be too pissed at me for damaging my body and believing lies and making crazy mistakes and hurting others in my life, that maybe He wouldn't forgive me, that maybe His grace wouldn't reach me.
WRONG!
He forgives me. He generously gives me grace. He does not condemn me, and He does not shame me. I will admit, however, that these concepts are not easy for me to remember every minute of every day. But you know what? The fact that I can actually see those things is more than I could have ever asked for.
Every day I am very aware of how screwed up my mind is and can be, but I'm thinking that maybe I'm not the only one. And in this awareness, I am reminded that this process is not a quick one, that it's not perfect, that it's tough, that it is often terrifying; but it is possible.
RELEASING SHAME
release, (verb) - to free from confinement, bondage, pain; to free from anything that restrains or fastens
LEARNING FORGIVENESS
forgiveness, (noun) - justification, overlooking, acquittal, exoneration, compassion
RECEIVING GRACE
grace, (noun) - undeserved, unmerited, unearned, favor
RADICALLY ACCEPTING
accept, (verb) - to take or receive; to welcome, to secure
...LETTING GO
[self-explanatory]
I'm going to be brutally honest about something that not everyone knows...(drumroll) I am Maegan and I have an eating disorder, deal with depression and blah, blah, blah :) I say "blah, blah, blah" only because there are so many minute details that just will not fit on this thing. Trust me.
I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia since I was 17 years old, finishing up my junior year of high school. I have been to treatment twice and have relapsed who knows how many times, but things are finally different. FINALLY. TRULY.
Have you ever been in that place where something JUST CLICKS? It could be finally understanding a concept in math or science, knowing how to never get lost going to a certain destination downtown, having some kind of personal (and possibly random) revelation. Could be anything! It's pretty dang awesome, right? Well, this past May, the "click" happened for me in regards to all that I've struggled with for these last several years. And hear me out: It is not that I have not wanted to be in recovery during all of this time - I lacked a special kind of willingness, I did not have courage, I had no hope, I could not see my worth, I did not trust that things could change, and my fears paralyzed me entirely. But back at the beginning of May, I realized something very significant: I do not want to live my life in the midst of this disorder, living in fear every single day, while things get progressively worse. And because I do not want that for my life, recovery is my only option. I have to do it. It has to happen even though it will be hard, even though it will be scary, even though I won't like it all the time. I have to take steps forward, and it's ok if they are itty bitty steps too.
The same day of the "clicking incident," I made a list of things I want. Some of them are big, some are small, and some are even pretty corny. I always keep the list in my wallet just in case I need a reminder now and then. It's nice to know that there are actually things I want that can keep me motivated. If I'm not in recovery, none of that list could truly be experienced.
Something else I discovered was that this was the very first time that I have wanted to do recovery for myself. People can want it for me all day long (and I certainly have people in my life who love me enough to want it for me), but nothing will change unless I make the move. I can see now that it is completely ok to LIVE a life. I do NOT have to only exist day after day. I also don't have to be ashamed of who I am and what I've been through. No one does. This is all part of my story, but the struggles are not my identity.
I have realized also that God can do what I cannot do. I heard Kari Jobe say that a few days ago, and it was/is rather powerful to think about. Thank goodness He is everything I lack and more, and thank goodness I do not have to do this alone. I have been pretty good at trying to avoid facing God with all of this crap, even though He is fully aware already. I've had this idea that maybe he'd be too pissed at me for damaging my body and believing lies and making crazy mistakes and hurting others in my life, that maybe He wouldn't forgive me, that maybe His grace wouldn't reach me.
WRONG!
He forgives me. He generously gives me grace. He does not condemn me, and He does not shame me. I will admit, however, that these concepts are not easy for me to remember every minute of every day. But you know what? The fact that I can actually see those things is more than I could have ever asked for.
Every day I am very aware of how screwed up my mind is and can be, but I'm thinking that maybe I'm not the only one. And in this awareness, I am reminded that this process is not a quick one, that it's not perfect, that it's tough, that it is often terrifying; but it is possible.
RELEASING SHAME
release, (verb) - to free from confinement, bondage, pain; to free from anything that restrains or fastens
LEARNING FORGIVENESS
forgiveness, (noun) - justification, overlooking, acquittal, exoneration, compassion
RECEIVING GRACE
grace, (noun) - undeserved, unmerited, unearned, favor
RADICALLY ACCEPTING
accept, (verb) - to take or receive; to welcome, to secure
...LETTING GO
[self-explanatory]
Thursday, September 20, 2012
On My Knees, Overwhelmed
"Find You On My Knees" - Kari Jobe
Troubles chasing me again
Breaking down my best defense
I'm looking
God, I'm looking for You
Weary just won't let me rest
And fear is filling up my head
I'm longing
God, I'm longing for You
But I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees
So what if sorrow shakes my faith
What if heartache still remains
I'll trust You
My God, I'll trust You
And I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees....
WOW... Ok, I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past couple of days. Can't get enough of the words. It describes perfectly the place I'm in right now. So often I feel out of touch and out of reach. I tend to want to give up on a lot of things and just stop searching and trying. I start to feel that nothing will ever truly change for me, no matter what I do. I feel too far away, but that's just not true.
The Lord is always near, even when I can't feel His presence. He does not and will not leave, and He's right here in the place I'm in, when I'm at my end. I don't deserve it, but He still covers me with His grace. Whatever my mistakes, whatever my shortcomings, He meets me in those places. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel hopeless. I just have to keep believing and pouring truth into my life. My fickle heart and mind tend to wander away, but I am always brought back to the reality that I am loved and cherished by the Lord. He gives me purpose and reason, even when I don't always know what those things are. He began a good work, and He will finish it. That's quite a promise right there, and He will not break it. What is better than that? I will choose to rest in that reality today.
I am completely overwhelmed by this LOVE today. I wish I could adequately explain what I feel, but words fail me...Just remember: He meets us where we are, no matter the place. We are never too far gone or without hope.
Troubles chasing me again
Breaking down my best defense
I'm looking
God, I'm looking for You
Weary just won't let me rest
And fear is filling up my head
I'm longing
God, I'm longing for You
But I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees
So what if sorrow shakes my faith
What if heartache still remains
I'll trust You
My God, I'll trust You
And I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees....
WOW... Ok, I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past couple of days. Can't get enough of the words. It describes perfectly the place I'm in right now. So often I feel out of touch and out of reach. I tend to want to give up on a lot of things and just stop searching and trying. I start to feel that nothing will ever truly change for me, no matter what I do. I feel too far away, but that's just not true.
The Lord is always near, even when I can't feel His presence. He does not and will not leave, and He's right here in the place I'm in, when I'm at my end. I don't deserve it, but He still covers me with His grace. Whatever my mistakes, whatever my shortcomings, He meets me in those places. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel hopeless. I just have to keep believing and pouring truth into my life. My fickle heart and mind tend to wander away, but I am always brought back to the reality that I am loved and cherished by the Lord. He gives me purpose and reason, even when I don't always know what those things are. He began a good work, and He will finish it. That's quite a promise right there, and He will not break it. What is better than that? I will choose to rest in that reality today.
I am completely overwhelmed by this LOVE today. I wish I could adequately explain what I feel, but words fail me...Just remember: He meets us where we are, no matter the place. We are never too far gone or without hope.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Pain...
"Don't waste your pain." - Clyde Causey (my grandpa, "Poppe")
He's a genius. What a wise statement and realization he's had and passed along. He knows pain all too well from different experiences, but he learns from everything he's been through and what he goes through currently. Poppe has been through quite a bit during his 70 years. He has experienced deep hurt (physically and emotionally), intense sorrow, and incredible loss. Does he let all of this destroy him? By no means! He learns. He feels. He accepts. He endures. He loves. He continues. He rests. He remains. He does not waste his pain. Oh, how grateful I am to know this man. What would I do without him?!
I have probably learned more from him than he may realize, but I want to be like him. I want to be able to grow and learn like he has. I want to have a wisdom that only comes from life experiences. How many times have I wasted my pain? It has probably happened more times than I would like to admit; therefore, I will try my best to do so from here on out. It's unlikely that things will go according to plan all the time, because there may be times when I feel defeated or discouraged. There will be mistakes on my part. Life will happen. But I must not waste my pain. I cannot waste my past. I WILL NOT waste my past.
I am beginning to learn how to forget my regrets, to make them things from which I can learn. My past is a part of me, but it does not define me by any means. It is simply a part of my story. And it is only by GRACE and MERCY that I have even ended up in the place I am today. I am on my way to being content, satisfied, happy, whole...things I thought would never come. I am no longer empty, and it is incredible. So today I choose life. I choose to accept the Lord's relentless love. I choose to accept God's strength over my own, for mine is insufficient. I choose to be hopeful. I choose to work through my pain.
DON'T WASTE YOUR PAIN.
He's a genius. What a wise statement and realization he's had and passed along. He knows pain all too well from different experiences, but he learns from everything he's been through and what he goes through currently. Poppe has been through quite a bit during his 70 years. He has experienced deep hurt (physically and emotionally), intense sorrow, and incredible loss. Does he let all of this destroy him? By no means! He learns. He feels. He accepts. He endures. He loves. He continues. He rests. He remains. He does not waste his pain. Oh, how grateful I am to know this man. What would I do without him?!
I have probably learned more from him than he may realize, but I want to be like him. I want to be able to grow and learn like he has. I want to have a wisdom that only comes from life experiences. How many times have I wasted my pain? It has probably happened more times than I would like to admit; therefore, I will try my best to do so from here on out. It's unlikely that things will go according to plan all the time, because there may be times when I feel defeated or discouraged. There will be mistakes on my part. Life will happen. But I must not waste my pain. I cannot waste my past. I WILL NOT waste my past.
I am beginning to learn how to forget my regrets, to make them things from which I can learn. My past is a part of me, but it does not define me by any means. It is simply a part of my story. And it is only by GRACE and MERCY that I have even ended up in the place I am today. I am on my way to being content, satisfied, happy, whole...things I thought would never come. I am no longer empty, and it is incredible. So today I choose life. I choose to accept the Lord's relentless love. I choose to accept God's strength over my own, for mine is insufficient. I choose to be hopeful. I choose to work through my pain.
DON'T WASTE YOUR PAIN.
Monday, July 23, 2012
I Lack...
Isaiah 40:28-29
"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him
who has no might he increases strength."
WHOA! I love these two verses right here. It makes me think about the fact that God is everything I lack. He is constant when I am inconsistent in all my thoughts and feelings about any given thing. He is so strong when I am beyond weak. He is joyous when I am sad. He makes a way when I cannot decide which direction to turn. He is peace when all about me is pure chaos. He is absolute truth when my mind is filled with lies. He is confident when I am insecure. HE IS ALL THAT I AM NOT. And thank goodness! There is something on which I can rest at any given time, any moment.
It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around all of this. My God is completely solid and dependable, and I am continuing to realize this day after day. When I feel like I want to give up, He lets me know that that is not an option. I learn these things from the many wonderful and encouraging people in my life. I am blessed beyond measure, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I also learn these things any time I read the Word. I'll admit that it is hard for me to turn straight to the Bible at times, because I feel like I won't find exactly what I need, but I am quickly reminded that that thought is a load of crap. I find what I need every time, and I choose to believe the words. It has taken me quite some time to really believe what I read and what I am told through others, but I'm finally in a place where I can believe things for myself. What a change!
I'll continue to repeat that these last couple of months have been a journey. I am learning a lot, but I have a long way to go. But I suppose we all have a long way to go. This is all a process, and there will always be more to learn. That is a little scary to me though, because sometimes I want to simply reach a stopping point with everything. I want to experience some grand revelation that keeps me sustained for the rest of my life, but I don't think life is supposed to work that way. We are all a work in progress, each being on a different journey. And I am choosing to believe that this fact is absolutely beautiful. There is beauty in little light bulbs turning on from time to time, and there is even beauty in the imperfections. I could go on and on about my desire for perfectionism, but that is most assuredly going to be brought up in another post. There's not enough room on this one.
Anyway...today I will choose to rest in the strength of the Lord, accepting His peace and security.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him
who has no might he increases strength."
WHOA! I love these two verses right here. It makes me think about the fact that God is everything I lack. He is constant when I am inconsistent in all my thoughts and feelings about any given thing. He is so strong when I am beyond weak. He is joyous when I am sad. He makes a way when I cannot decide which direction to turn. He is peace when all about me is pure chaos. He is absolute truth when my mind is filled with lies. He is confident when I am insecure. HE IS ALL THAT I AM NOT. And thank goodness! There is something on which I can rest at any given time, any moment.
It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around all of this. My God is completely solid and dependable, and I am continuing to realize this day after day. When I feel like I want to give up, He lets me know that that is not an option. I learn these things from the many wonderful and encouraging people in my life. I am blessed beyond measure, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I also learn these things any time I read the Word. I'll admit that it is hard for me to turn straight to the Bible at times, because I feel like I won't find exactly what I need, but I am quickly reminded that that thought is a load of crap. I find what I need every time, and I choose to believe the words. It has taken me quite some time to really believe what I read and what I am told through others, but I'm finally in a place where I can believe things for myself. What a change!
I'll continue to repeat that these last couple of months have been a journey. I am learning a lot, but I have a long way to go. But I suppose we all have a long way to go. This is all a process, and there will always be more to learn. That is a little scary to me though, because sometimes I want to simply reach a stopping point with everything. I want to experience some grand revelation that keeps me sustained for the rest of my life, but I don't think life is supposed to work that way. We are all a work in progress, each being on a different journey. And I am choosing to believe that this fact is absolutely beautiful. There is beauty in little light bulbs turning on from time to time, and there is even beauty in the imperfections. I could go on and on about my desire for perfectionism, but that is most assuredly going to be brought up in another post. There's not enough room on this one.
Anyway...today I will choose to rest in the strength of the Lord, accepting His peace and security.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
No More Fog.
There is fog all about me as I drive, and none of it seems to be letting up. I can't see clearly no matter how hard I try, no matter what I try to do. I cannot see. But I keep driving in hopes that something might change.
Going the distance is starting to slowly prove successful. The further I drive, the lighter the fog becomes. I can see buildings and sidewalks and people driving beside me. Onward I go, and I'm still seeing more and more clarity.
There it is, a clear view. I can see everything again. I can make my way. My view is not cloudy, no fog all around me, so I keep moving forward.
I am slowly learning that if I simply keep trying and pushing through the tough stuff, things eventually start to get better. All of this may be redundant, but it is what I am learning day after day. My mind is a scary place a lot of the time, but I am beginning to experience better things. My perspective is morphing into something I've never known before. I can't help but want to share this hope I have now. I can't help but share the fact that things can change for the good. I can't help but share that I experience a newness every morning without even trying. Yes, I am working hard to make things different, but it is only by the grace of God that I have had any amount of strength to do so. I have come to the realization that maybe life is really worth it, maybe I really do have a purpose, and I will cling to this with all that I have. I will not lose it. I will not succumb to what is destructive.
I want the newness to continue to show up, so I will keep doing my best to fill my mind with truth. A dear friend reminded me that while it is great to get all of the negativity out, it is imperative to replace it..otherwise the chaos will return. I will cling to truth; I will cling to hope. I do not feel empty anymore, and I could never adequately express how good that feels.
So here I am living another day, grateful for the changes taking place within me. And if somehow I can reach just one person, it has all been worth it.
That's it for now.
Going the distance is starting to slowly prove successful. The further I drive, the lighter the fog becomes. I can see buildings and sidewalks and people driving beside me. Onward I go, and I'm still seeing more and more clarity.
There it is, a clear view. I can see everything again. I can make my way. My view is not cloudy, no fog all around me, so I keep moving forward.
I am slowly learning that if I simply keep trying and pushing through the tough stuff, things eventually start to get better. All of this may be redundant, but it is what I am learning day after day. My mind is a scary place a lot of the time, but I am beginning to experience better things. My perspective is morphing into something I've never known before. I can't help but want to share this hope I have now. I can't help but share the fact that things can change for the good. I can't help but share that I experience a newness every morning without even trying. Yes, I am working hard to make things different, but it is only by the grace of God that I have had any amount of strength to do so. I have come to the realization that maybe life is really worth it, maybe I really do have a purpose, and I will cling to this with all that I have. I will not lose it. I will not succumb to what is destructive.
I want the newness to continue to show up, so I will keep doing my best to fill my mind with truth. A dear friend reminded me that while it is great to get all of the negativity out, it is imperative to replace it..otherwise the chaos will return. I will cling to truth; I will cling to hope. I do not feel empty anymore, and I could never adequately express how good that feels.
So here I am living another day, grateful for the changes taking place within me. And if somehow I can reach just one person, it has all been worth it.
That's it for now.
Monday, July 16, 2012
What's New?
I am not only made up of what my past holds. I am much more than that,
and I am starting to discover some different dimensions of myself every single day.
I have a newness that I don't think I've had before, and WOW, am I grateful!
I am new in several ways.
I have new perspectives and ideas and thoughts and beliefs and desires and hopes. I haven't felt this way in so very long, and it feels really good. I feel motivated and purposeful. To feel like I have a reason to keep trying is an unbelievable blessing. Over the last month and a half or so, I have had a whole lot of "me" time, and it has allowed me to ponder quite a bit.
I have realized that my perspectives, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and hopes have been pretty skewed for far too long. What foggy lenses I have been looking through this whole time. They still need many more washes, but things are becoming clearer each and every day. My thoughts and beliefs are changing for the good one step at a time. I say one step at a time, because this will be a long process for me. I have believed lies for so long, and it is hard for me to determine what is really true. The lies have felt true; the truth has seemed false. But what I try to do now is combat anything that might look like it could be a lie. I will look to the Word and to people I trust to hear what is true. Then I will replace the thought. Eventually I will think more on truth. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Not all of my desires are destructive and futile anymore. My hopes are to move forward and to do what I can to live a happy, surrendered, fulfilling life. The control I strive for now is for balance and moderation, without being completely black and white with every single thing. There is truly a way to find the grey area, and I can actually be more in control without BEING controlled by the very thing that is overall destructive. I've had to learn things the hard way, but it has all been well worth the effort and the time it has taken. I am not saying that everything is going to be just peachy from now on, but I finally feel like I've got my head on a little straighter. Finally!!
I've got a lot more to share, but that will be saved for a later time.
and I am starting to discover some different dimensions of myself every single day.
I have a newness that I don't think I've had before, and WOW, am I grateful!
I am new in several ways.
I have new perspectives and ideas and thoughts and beliefs and desires and hopes. I haven't felt this way in so very long, and it feels really good. I feel motivated and purposeful. To feel like I have a reason to keep trying is an unbelievable blessing. Over the last month and a half or so, I have had a whole lot of "me" time, and it has allowed me to ponder quite a bit.
I have realized that my perspectives, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and hopes have been pretty skewed for far too long. What foggy lenses I have been looking through this whole time. They still need many more washes, but things are becoming clearer each and every day. My thoughts and beliefs are changing for the good one step at a time. I say one step at a time, because this will be a long process for me. I have believed lies for so long, and it is hard for me to determine what is really true. The lies have felt true; the truth has seemed false. But what I try to do now is combat anything that might look like it could be a lie. I will look to the Word and to people I trust to hear what is true. Then I will replace the thought. Eventually I will think more on truth. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Not all of my desires are destructive and futile anymore. My hopes are to move forward and to do what I can to live a happy, surrendered, fulfilling life. The control I strive for now is for balance and moderation, without being completely black and white with every single thing. There is truly a way to find the grey area, and I can actually be more in control without BEING controlled by the very thing that is overall destructive. I've had to learn things the hard way, but it has all been well worth the effort and the time it has taken. I am not saying that everything is going to be just peachy from now on, but I finally feel like I've got my head on a little straighter. Finally!!
I've got a lot more to share, but that will be saved for a later time.
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