Some Inspiration

I'm going to mention Patty Griffin today. I was looking at some performances of hers on YouTube today, and I fell in love with her music all over again. I haven't listened to it regularly for quite some time, but I think I will start doing that again. I get inspired each time I listen. Her songs don't make me sad anymore with past memories - they make me think.

Even though we have probably been through entirely different experiences, I can relate to a lot of her lyrics. Something I've heard today has really caught my attention. It's a small part of one of her songs, but it's significant. The line says,

"But then I go on again, because you asked me to."

Love it... This last month or so has been rather difficult, and I haven't wanted to write on here at all. I guess I've just been thinking that I couldn't exactly share any aspect of positivity, that it would probably all be really depressing or something. But I guess it's ok for things to not always be great, for life to go up and down some. I'm not saying now that everything will change because I've heard this one line from a song, but it has made me think a little more about my mind and how I've been succumbing to everything. People tell me to keep going and to keep fighting, and sometimes I feel like no one understands how difficult things can be. However, they are certainly still correct - I have to keep going; I have to keep fighting, even when I really don't want to, even when I'd rather give in. I have many amazingly encouraging, helpful people in my life, and maybe I need to start trusting them a little more. Maybe they do know what they are talking about. Maybe I shouldn't trust myself all the time, because my sight is blurry and foggy. I have a lot of trouble finding genuine clarity. People keep fighting for me, so I just might need to start fighting for myself. 

[Because you've asked me to, I will go on again.] 

I CRAVE.

More, more, more - I crave.


I long to be satisfied, satiated, content.
To feel whole, to feel completed somehow - for this I search.


No matter who we are or where we've been, we all crave something.

I long for what is right and pure and good, and I long for what is terrible. It all happens at the same time. However, I usually focus more on the terrible part without even paying attention to what I am doing. Before I know it, I've slipped again. Why is that? Why can't I just get it all together and move on from this place? It seems so simple at times, and maybe it is... But it is most certainly NOT EASY! There is a difference. I am tired of messing up, tired of running after the wrong things and always ending up in the same strange place of misery. It doesn't have to be like that, but for some reason I keep going back.

I walk. I sprint. I leap in the direction of my past. I cling to it, making it another part of my present. I know my thoughts and actions are destructive in so many ways, but somehow (most days) I only allow myself to see the benefits, the very fleeting benefits.

Instant gratification.
That's it. That's how long it lasts.
And that is what I need to force myself to remember every single day. We all need to know that. We don't need to continue to waste our time on what doesn't fully satisfy. I chase after this same superficial CRAP each day, but nothing will change unless I start making the right decisions ON A DAILY BASIS. If I slip, I have to get back up and keep walking. I have to do the next right thing, no matter how much it might suck at the time, because I hear that it will all become easier if I just keep choosing what I should. So I have to keep going, even when I want to quit. I have to keep trying. Failure will not arrive unless I choose to throw in the towel.

So - even if I mess up, even if I fall,
even if I feel like it's all a lost cause - I keep going.

Yes, I will still crave.
But I have the right to choose my safe haven.
I have the right to choose to what my hands might cling.
I have the right to choose. 

Freedom is Sometimes a Mystery to Me

The cell door is wide open.
The chains are broken and lying on the floor.
Yet here I am by the back wall, seated in the same place as I was the day before.
Sometimes I stand and take a few steps, and sometimes I even make it through the open door.
But time and time again, I run RIGHT BACK to that seat against the wall.

I get tired, and my own strength fails me. Miserably.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
But what am I waiting for?
The "perfect moment"? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I could tidy up a little bit before calling this place history.
But with the exception of my body, this room is empty.
Empty...

I hear of life beyond this place, and it sounds lovely.
Even with the imperfections, it sounds better than this.
So where does the issue lie?
It is in my fear - the horribly awful, debilitating fear.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
Will my fear forever haunt me?
Will my fear forever silence what is good?

That door is open, and I am STILL HERE!
Those chains are on the floor, and I am STILL HERE!
I have to move. I have to take more steps to get out of this place.
I must somehow force myself to only look forward, even if just a little at a time.
There is nothing for me in this room,
At least, nothing that will satisfy...
Like I said before: It is empty space.
Sure, I'm used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant.
I've grown accustomed to how things work, but that doesn't mean it's fun.

There are always these small moments of progress when I get closer to that door.
There are the times when I've taken a couple of steps beyond it.
But I need to stay gone. I need to stay out of this room.
Yes, it has served some sort of screwed up, distorted purpose for quite some time...
But I hear that my life doesn't have to stay in this one spot.

So could I just accept and receive this freedom?
Could I walk passed the door and not run back to that seat on the wall?

Could I?

For Goodness Sake!

I know I have said this before - I cannot be perfect. But for goodness sake! Could I stop being so stubborn?? Moving forward is what I want for my life. I want to HAVE a life. I want to feel content and satisfied...but I continue to hold on to so many terrible thoughts and feelings and actions. I do what I do not want to do, and I don't do what I should do all the time. What is it going to take? When is everything going to truly click (entirely). I know I've said that things are slowly starting to get better, but I need them to continue. Maybe I'm being impatient; I can't really tell. I could be moving at an ok pace, but I always want to go faster. Maybe I'm just not ready for faster right now...

I expect a lot of myself, and it's disappointing when I do not reach my own standards. I think that everyone sets their own standards too high though. At least, that's what I have found to be true in most people whom I know. We probably all need to give ourselves a bit of a break every once in a while. But really, when will I get the hang of things? When will I be able to simply let go of control and give it ALL to the Lord. I have realized that I can't do everything on my own, but I have trouble continually handing things over. It's not my job to save myself though, right? It's my job to give things up and let God win my battles and create victory. I know there are certain choices and actions that I must put forth, but God is bigger and greater than any of what I deal with. This is something else I need to get through my stubborn, cynical mind.

All of this probably sounds jumbled, but I just needed to get some thoughts out there. I want my desire for what is better to motivate me completely. I want to always see my struggles as things that are not good for me; they are only destructive. People tell me this all the time, and I need to really start believing them.

Maybe everything can really be all right if I give it a chance. God has promised that He will finish what He has started, and I will do my best to cling tightly to that truth. I must never give up. I must keep going, even if I have to do it one tiny step at a time.

"I'm no kid in a kid's game,
Did what I did,
I got no one to blame.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up...

I'm no fighter,
But I'm fighting.
This whole world seems uninviting.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up.
I fall down sometimes,
Sometimes I come back flying...

Not clean,
Not washed up.
This dream,
I don't ever give up."

Oh, how often I have repeated this song on my iPod! Patty Griffin is a genius. I don't think a ton of people know who she is, but the woman can write. Her songs are heavy with meaning, determination, pain, sadness....so much emotion. Sometimes there's a little too much emotion for me to hear, but I listen anyway. I love the above referenced song though, "I Don't Ever Give Up."

Refusing to throw in the towel is of utmost importance. For so long I have wanted to QUIT (ask any of my close friends), and somehow I've made it to this place, hanging on by some very weak thread most of the time. There have been days that have been so bad that I just figured there was absolutely no way anything could possibly change. In fact, on those days, I was completely convinced that there was no way out of my own personal hell.

BUT...big or small - there is always SOME KIND of solution. I need to remind myself of this [always].

There are going to be good times and bad. Ups and downs. I keep hearing that that's just the way life is, and I am starting to believe that there is truth in such a statement. I will mess up, and I will be disappointed with myself and possibly with others. Expectations will not always be met. I will not always feel like I am on cloud 9; I might feel like I'm on cloud -5 some days. But that doesn't mean that my life will remain in that place forever. I just have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep fighting. As long as I am trying, I have not failed. If I were to quit, that is when failure would come. I know all of this sounds extremely straight forward, cliche, and even simple (maybe it is?)... In my opinion, it is much easier said than done, but I have to at least TRY. That's all. And then I can see how things go from there.

Seriously?

I am consistently inconsistent. Up and down, back and forth...you name it. I can wake up one way and be a different way an hour later. Give me a few hours more, and I could be in another place. I drive myself crazy! And the past few days have been a great example of this. I would get started in the morning, feeling hopeful and slightly confident, but around lunch time I would start to feel like I was just falling apart at the seams. I couldn't stop my thoughts, all of the lies and anxieties. I was afraid I would mess something up, and part of me actually wanted to, which just made me completely disappointed in myself. Why must I feel this way? Why must I think like this? Will I always deal with this crap? I mean, come on! Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore, like I can't get away. But then I read these things...

2 Corinthians 12:9a (English Standard Version)
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

This is pretty straight forward, right? Grace... Ever since I can remember, GRACE has been one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp and accept. I don't think there is ever going to be a day when I completely understand it, but I want something to click. I need something to click. I want to live in grace as I should. I want to rest in it. I want to continually receive it. That's the hard part - receiving. I know for so long I have thought that God's grace could not possibly come all the way down to my lowest low, but He meets me where I am. And as hard as it is to allow Him to do that, He doesn't want me to try to fix myself up for Him. That's His deal. He makes us clean. He transforms us. He creates newness.

I know these things, but to constantly trust and live in that way seems completely impossible to me almost ALL of the time. I tend to wonder: Could I really be changed? Can I really be transformed? Is that a possibility for me? Does He seriously want to give me grace despite who I am?    
Seriously???
YES!
This verse means what it says, and that's that.

1 Peter 5:10-11 (Contemporary English Version)
"But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. 
That's why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you 
to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, 
but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm. 
God will be in control forever! Amen."

I love these two verses, but the part that really gets me is that..."God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm." Seriously? I want those four things, and right now, I feel as though I am the exact opposite of them all. I am not complete. I am NOT steady. I am not strong. I am not firm.  But there's some hope here, right? This is a promise. I must cling tightly to it and trust that everything can be all right. What do I have if I do not have something in which to hope?

"I am Yours"

A few months ago, I had a bit of a "revelation," if you will...
I was visiting my grandparents in Dallas one weekend, and I was up early on that Saturday (BIG surprise) listening to some music. Music is a huge part of my life, part of what makes me tick, so I really pay attention to the lyrics while I'm listening. That morning I kept hearing a certain theme come up over and over in a number of songs on this one worship CD:
I am Yours.
I am Yours.
I am Yours.

"Should I keep listening to this?" I thought... "I don't know if I can really let this sink in. It seems far too overwhelming honestly." But I replayed the songs. I would rewind those specific sections with that powerful phrase, and I desperately tried to make sense of it all. Is it true? Is it true for ME? Am I His? Does this apply to me? Is it too far-fetched? If it is true, does this truth extend to me?

The answers? YES, it is true. It is true for me. It is true for others. I am not the exception. It is not too far-fetched. This truth does extend to me. I AM HIS.

For some reason, and for so long, I have had the hardest time understanding that the truth applies to me. I have believed the same things for my whole life - I've been a Christian for a long time. But as I've grown up, I have learned that I need to figure out some things for myself. It's great that I have been brought up in the church and that I have learned things from such a young age, BUT there comes a point in life when we have to make our own decisions; we have to learn things for ourselves. We have to make very personal decisions about so many things. We have to find reason, meaning, purpose. So we search.

I found out that I still believed what I had learned, but I had a hard time truly experiencing anything. I still have a hard time with that. I become so numb, stagnant, apathetic. I get stuck. I become underwhelmed. I hate to even say all of this, but it's true. This is how things have been for the last ten years or so. Much of it could very likely be my own fault, but that doesn't make me hate it any less. With the numbness comes the lies. With the lies comes disbelief. And with disbelief...well, it is just a huge, horrible cycle from there. I might start to think that I will only let things matter if I can FEEL it. But here's the thing - believing is not always feeling. I have heard that sentence over and OVER from some very wise people in my life, and I am just now starting to understand it a little. I cannot rely on how I feel all the time, because my feelings change often. I am pretty all over the place with my emotions during just a single day, SO...I have to rest in truth. I have to believe first and foremost (which can be so freaking difficult!). Feelings - good or bad - come and go all the time, but truth remains.

And I am mentioning all of this to say that my fickle feelings do not change God. He is constant when I am chaotic. He is strong when I am weak. He is all that I am NOT. His love does not change even if I do. And no matter what I feel, I am still His. My feelings don't change that. I am wanted, and I am loved. The lies that fill my mind do not morph all of that truth into something else. If truth was based on how I felt, I would be in a world of hurt.

FYI: This post has turned into something completely different from what I had originally planned. I do hope all of it makes some kind of sense though.