There is fog all about me as I drive, and none of it seems to be letting up. I can't see clearly no matter how hard I try, no matter what I try to do. I cannot see. But I keep driving in hopes that something might change.
Going the distance is starting to slowly prove successful. The further I drive, the lighter the fog becomes. I can see buildings and sidewalks and people driving beside me. Onward I go, and I'm still seeing more and more clarity.
There it is, a clear view. I can see everything again. I can make my way. My view is not cloudy, no fog all around me, so I keep moving forward.
I am slowly learning that if I simply keep trying and pushing through the tough stuff, things eventually start to get better. All of this may be redundant, but it is what I am learning day after day. My mind is a scary place a lot of the time, but I am beginning to experience better things. My perspective is morphing into something I've never known before. I can't help but want to share this hope I have now. I can't help but share the fact that things can change for the good. I can't help but share that I experience a newness every morning without even trying. Yes, I am working hard to make things different, but it is only by the grace of God that I have had any amount of strength to do so. I have come to the realization that maybe life is really worth it, maybe I really do have a purpose, and I will cling to this with all that I have. I will not lose it. I will not succumb to what is destructive.
I want the newness to continue to show up, so I will keep doing my best to fill my mind with truth. A dear friend reminded me that while it is great to get all of the negativity out, it is imperative to replace it..otherwise the chaos will return. I will cling to truth; I will cling to hope. I do not feel empty anymore, and I could never adequately express how good that feels.
So here I am living another day, grateful for the changes taking place within me. And if somehow I can reach just one person, it has all been worth it.
That's it for now.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
What's New?
I am not only made up of what my past holds. I am much more than that,
and I am starting to discover some different dimensions of myself every single day.
I have a newness that I don't think I've had before, and WOW, am I grateful!
I am new in several ways.
I have new perspectives and ideas and thoughts and beliefs and desires and hopes. I haven't felt this way in so very long, and it feels really good. I feel motivated and purposeful. To feel like I have a reason to keep trying is an unbelievable blessing. Over the last month and a half or so, I have had a whole lot of "me" time, and it has allowed me to ponder quite a bit.
I have realized that my perspectives, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and hopes have been pretty skewed for far too long. What foggy lenses I have been looking through this whole time. They still need many more washes, but things are becoming clearer each and every day. My thoughts and beliefs are changing for the good one step at a time. I say one step at a time, because this will be a long process for me. I have believed lies for so long, and it is hard for me to determine what is really true. The lies have felt true; the truth has seemed false. But what I try to do now is combat anything that might look like it could be a lie. I will look to the Word and to people I trust to hear what is true. Then I will replace the thought. Eventually I will think more on truth. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Not all of my desires are destructive and futile anymore. My hopes are to move forward and to do what I can to live a happy, surrendered, fulfilling life. The control I strive for now is for balance and moderation, without being completely black and white with every single thing. There is truly a way to find the grey area, and I can actually be more in control without BEING controlled by the very thing that is overall destructive. I've had to learn things the hard way, but it has all been well worth the effort and the time it has taken. I am not saying that everything is going to be just peachy from now on, but I finally feel like I've got my head on a little straighter. Finally!!
I've got a lot more to share, but that will be saved for a later time.
and I am starting to discover some different dimensions of myself every single day.
I have a newness that I don't think I've had before, and WOW, am I grateful!
I am new in several ways.
I have new perspectives and ideas and thoughts and beliefs and desires and hopes. I haven't felt this way in so very long, and it feels really good. I feel motivated and purposeful. To feel like I have a reason to keep trying is an unbelievable blessing. Over the last month and a half or so, I have had a whole lot of "me" time, and it has allowed me to ponder quite a bit.
I have realized that my perspectives, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and hopes have been pretty skewed for far too long. What foggy lenses I have been looking through this whole time. They still need many more washes, but things are becoming clearer each and every day. My thoughts and beliefs are changing for the good one step at a time. I say one step at a time, because this will be a long process for me. I have believed lies for so long, and it is hard for me to determine what is really true. The lies have felt true; the truth has seemed false. But what I try to do now is combat anything that might look like it could be a lie. I will look to the Word and to people I trust to hear what is true. Then I will replace the thought. Eventually I will think more on truth. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Not all of my desires are destructive and futile anymore. My hopes are to move forward and to do what I can to live a happy, surrendered, fulfilling life. The control I strive for now is for balance and moderation, without being completely black and white with every single thing. There is truly a way to find the grey area, and I can actually be more in control without BEING controlled by the very thing that is overall destructive. I've had to learn things the hard way, but it has all been well worth the effort and the time it has taken. I am not saying that everything is going to be just peachy from now on, but I finally feel like I've got my head on a little straighter. Finally!!
I've got a lot more to share, but that will be saved for a later time.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Some Inspiration
I'm going to mention Patty Griffin today. I was looking at some performances of hers on YouTube today, and I fell in love with her music all over again. I haven't listened to it regularly for quite some time, but I think I will start doing that again. I get inspired each time I listen. Her songs don't make me sad anymore with past memories - they make me think.
Even though we have probably been through entirely different experiences, I can relate to a lot of her lyrics. Something I've heard today has really caught my attention. It's a small part of one of her songs, but it's significant. The line says,
Even though we have probably been through entirely different experiences, I can relate to a lot of her lyrics. Something I've heard today has really caught my attention. It's a small part of one of her songs, but it's significant. The line says,
"But then I go on again, because you asked me to."
Love it... This last month or so has been rather difficult, and I haven't wanted to write on here at all. I guess I've just been thinking that I couldn't exactly share any aspect of positivity, that it would probably all be really depressing or something. But I guess it's ok for things to not always be great, for life to go up and down some. I'm not saying now that everything will change because I've heard this one line from a song, but it has made me think a little more about my mind and how I've been succumbing to everything. People tell me to keep going and to keep fighting, and sometimes I feel like no one understands how difficult things can be. However, they are certainly still correct - I have to keep going; I have to keep fighting, even when I really don't want to, even when I'd rather give in. I have many amazingly encouraging, helpful people in my life, and maybe I need to start trusting them a little more. Maybe they do know what they are talking about. Maybe I shouldn't trust myself all the time, because my sight is blurry and foggy. I have a lot of trouble finding genuine clarity. People keep fighting for me, so I just might need to start fighting for myself.
[Because you've asked me to, I will go on again.]
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I CRAVE.
More, more, more - I crave.
I long to be satisfied, satiated, content.
To feel whole, to feel completed somehow - for this I search.
No matter who we are or where we've been, we all crave something.
I long for what is right and pure and good, and I long for what is terrible. It all happens at the same time. However, I usually focus more on the terrible part without even paying attention to what I am doing. Before I know it, I've slipped again. Why is that? Why can't I just get it all together and move on from this place? It seems so simple at times, and maybe it is... But it is most certainly NOT EASY! There is a difference. I am tired of messing up, tired of running after the wrong things and always ending up in the same strange place of misery. It doesn't have to be like that, but for some reason I keep going back.
I walk. I sprint. I leap in the direction of my past. I cling to it, making it another part of my present. I know my thoughts and actions are destructive in so many ways, but somehow (most days) I only allow myself to see the benefits, the very fleeting benefits.
Instant gratification.
That's it. That's how long it lasts.
And that is what I need to force myself to remember every single day. We all need to know that. We don't need to continue to waste our time on what doesn't fully satisfy. I chase after this same superficial CRAP each day, but nothing will change unless I start making the right decisions ON A DAILY BASIS. If I slip, I have to get back up and keep walking. I have to do the next right thing, no matter how much it might suck at the time, because I hear that it will all become easier if I just keep choosing what I should. So I have to keep going, even when I want to quit. I have to keep trying. Failure will not arrive unless I choose to throw in the towel.
So - even if I mess up, even if I fall,
even if I feel like it's all a lost cause - I keep going.
Yes, I will still crave.
But I have the right to choose my safe haven.
I have the right to choose to what my hands might cling.
I have the right to choose.
I long to be satisfied, satiated, content.
To feel whole, to feel completed somehow - for this I search.
No matter who we are or where we've been, we all crave something.
I long for what is right and pure and good, and I long for what is terrible. It all happens at the same time. However, I usually focus more on the terrible part without even paying attention to what I am doing. Before I know it, I've slipped again. Why is that? Why can't I just get it all together and move on from this place? It seems so simple at times, and maybe it is... But it is most certainly NOT EASY! There is a difference. I am tired of messing up, tired of running after the wrong things and always ending up in the same strange place of misery. It doesn't have to be like that, but for some reason I keep going back.
I walk. I sprint. I leap in the direction of my past. I cling to it, making it another part of my present. I know my thoughts and actions are destructive in so many ways, but somehow (most days) I only allow myself to see the benefits, the very fleeting benefits.
Instant gratification.
That's it. That's how long it lasts.
And that is what I need to force myself to remember every single day. We all need to know that. We don't need to continue to waste our time on what doesn't fully satisfy. I chase after this same superficial CRAP each day, but nothing will change unless I start making the right decisions ON A DAILY BASIS. If I slip, I have to get back up and keep walking. I have to do the next right thing, no matter how much it might suck at the time, because I hear that it will all become easier if I just keep choosing what I should. So I have to keep going, even when I want to quit. I have to keep trying. Failure will not arrive unless I choose to throw in the towel.
So - even if I mess up, even if I fall,
even if I feel like it's all a lost cause - I keep going.
Yes, I will still crave.
But I have the right to choose my safe haven.
I have the right to choose to what my hands might cling.
I have the right to choose.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Freedom is Sometimes a Mystery to Me
The cell door is wide open.
The chains are broken and lying on the floor.
Yet here I am by the back wall, seated in the same place as I was the day before.
Sometimes I stand and take a few steps, and sometimes I even make it through the open door.
But time and time again, I run RIGHT BACK to that seat against the wall.
I get tired, and my own strength fails me. Miserably.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
But what am I waiting for?
The "perfect moment"? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I could tidy up a little bit before calling this place history.
But with the exception of my body, this room is empty.
Empty...
I hear of life beyond this place, and it sounds lovely.
Even with the imperfections, it sounds better than this.
So where does the issue lie?
It is in my fear - the horribly awful, debilitating fear.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
Will my fear forever haunt me?
Will my fear forever silence what is good?
That door is open, and I am STILL HERE!
Those chains are on the floor, and I am STILL HERE!
I have to move. I have to take more steps to get out of this place.
I must somehow force myself to only look forward, even if just a little at a time.
There is nothing for me in this room,
At least, nothing that will satisfy...
Like I said before: It is empty space.
Sure, I'm used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant.
I've grown accustomed to how things work, but that doesn't mean it's fun.
There are always these small moments of progress when I get closer to that door.
There are the times when I've taken a couple of steps beyond it.
But I need to stay gone. I need to stay out of this room.
Yes, it has served some sort of screwed up, distorted purpose for quite some time...
But I hear that my life doesn't have to stay in this one spot.
So could I just accept and receive this freedom?
Could I walk passed the door and not run back to that seat on the wall?
Could I?
The chains are broken and lying on the floor.
Yet here I am by the back wall, seated in the same place as I was the day before.
Sometimes I stand and take a few steps, and sometimes I even make it through the open door.
But time and time again, I run RIGHT BACK to that seat against the wall.
I get tired, and my own strength fails me. Miserably.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
But what am I waiting for?
The "perfect moment"? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I could tidy up a little bit before calling this place history.
But with the exception of my body, this room is empty.
Empty...
I hear of life beyond this place, and it sounds lovely.
Even with the imperfections, it sounds better than this.
So where does the issue lie?
It is in my fear - the horribly awful, debilitating fear.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
Will my fear forever haunt me?
Will my fear forever silence what is good?
That door is open, and I am STILL HERE!
Those chains are on the floor, and I am STILL HERE!
I have to move. I have to take more steps to get out of this place.
I must somehow force myself to only look forward, even if just a little at a time.
There is nothing for me in this room,
At least, nothing that will satisfy...
Like I said before: It is empty space.
Sure, I'm used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant.
I've grown accustomed to how things work, but that doesn't mean it's fun.
There are always these small moments of progress when I get closer to that door.
There are the times when I've taken a couple of steps beyond it.
But I need to stay gone. I need to stay out of this room.
Yes, it has served some sort of screwed up, distorted purpose for quite some time...
But I hear that my life doesn't have to stay in this one spot.
So could I just accept and receive this freedom?
Could I walk passed the door and not run back to that seat on the wall?
Could I?
Friday, March 30, 2012
For Goodness Sake!
I know I have said this before - I cannot be perfect. But for goodness sake! Could I stop being so stubborn?? Moving forward is what I want for my life. I want to HAVE a life. I want to feel content and satisfied...but I continue to hold on to so many terrible thoughts and feelings and actions. I do what I do not want to do, and I don't do what I should do all the time. What is it going to take? When is everything going to truly click (entirely). I know I've said that things are slowly starting to get better, but I need them to continue. Maybe I'm being impatient; I can't really tell. I could be moving at an ok pace, but I always want to go faster. Maybe I'm just not ready for faster right now...
I expect a lot of myself, and it's disappointing when I do not reach my own standards. I think that everyone sets their own standards too high though. At least, that's what I have found to be true in most people whom I know. We probably all need to give ourselves a bit of a break every once in a while. But really, when will I get the hang of things? When will I be able to simply let go of control and give it ALL to the Lord. I have realized that I can't do everything on my own, but I have trouble continually handing things over. It's not my job to save myself though, right? It's my job to give things up and let God win my battles and create victory. I know there are certain choices and actions that I must put forth, but God is bigger and greater than any of what I deal with. This is something else I need to get through my stubborn, cynical mind.
All of this probably sounds jumbled, but I just needed to get some thoughts out there. I want my desire for what is better to motivate me completely. I want to always see my struggles as things that are not good for me; they are only destructive. People tell me this all the time, and I need to really start believing them.
Maybe everything can really be all right if I give it a chance. God has promised that He will finish what He has started, and I will do my best to cling tightly to that truth. I must never give up. I must keep going, even if I have to do it one tiny step at a time.
I expect a lot of myself, and it's disappointing when I do not reach my own standards. I think that everyone sets their own standards too high though. At least, that's what I have found to be true in most people whom I know. We probably all need to give ourselves a bit of a break every once in a while. But really, when will I get the hang of things? When will I be able to simply let go of control and give it ALL to the Lord. I have realized that I can't do everything on my own, but I have trouble continually handing things over. It's not my job to save myself though, right? It's my job to give things up and let God win my battles and create victory. I know there are certain choices and actions that I must put forth, but God is bigger and greater than any of what I deal with. This is something else I need to get through my stubborn, cynical mind.
All of this probably sounds jumbled, but I just needed to get some thoughts out there. I want my desire for what is better to motivate me completely. I want to always see my struggles as things that are not good for me; they are only destructive. People tell me this all the time, and I need to really start believing them.
Maybe everything can really be all right if I give it a chance. God has promised that He will finish what He has started, and I will do my best to cling tightly to that truth. I must never give up. I must keep going, even if I have to do it one tiny step at a time.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
"I'm no kid in a kid's game,
Did what I did,
I got no one to blame.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up...
I'm no fighter,
But I'm fighting.
This whole world seems uninviting.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up.
I fall down sometimes,
Sometimes I come back flying...
Not clean,
Not washed up.
This dream,
I don't ever give up."
Oh, how often I have repeated this song on my iPod! Patty Griffin is a genius. I don't think a ton of people know who she is, but the woman can write. Her songs are heavy with meaning, determination, pain, sadness....so much emotion. Sometimes there's a little too much emotion for me to hear, but I listen anyway. I love the above referenced song though, "I Don't Ever Give Up."
Refusing to throw in the towel is of utmost importance. For so long I have wanted to QUIT (ask any of my close friends), and somehow I've made it to this place, hanging on by some very weak thread most of the time. There have been days that have been so bad that I just figured there was absolutely no way anything could possibly change. In fact, on those days, I was completely convinced that there was no way out of my own personal hell.
BUT...big or small - there is always SOME KIND of solution. I need to remind myself of this [always].
There are going to be good times and bad. Ups and downs. I keep hearing that that's just the way life is, and I am starting to believe that there is truth in such a statement. I will mess up, and I will be disappointed with myself and possibly with others. Expectations will not always be met. I will not always feel like I am on cloud 9; I might feel like I'm on cloud -5 some days. But that doesn't mean that my life will remain in that place forever. I just have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep fighting. As long as I am trying, I have not failed. If I were to quit, that is when failure would come. I know all of this sounds extremely straight forward, cliche, and even simple (maybe it is?)... In my opinion, it is much easier said than done, but I have to at least TRY. That's all. And then I can see how things go from there.
Did what I did,
I got no one to blame.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up...
I'm no fighter,
But I'm fighting.
This whole world seems uninviting.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up.
I fall down sometimes,
Sometimes I come back flying...
Not clean,
Not washed up.
This dream,
I don't ever give up."
Oh, how often I have repeated this song on my iPod! Patty Griffin is a genius. I don't think a ton of people know who she is, but the woman can write. Her songs are heavy with meaning, determination, pain, sadness....so much emotion. Sometimes there's a little too much emotion for me to hear, but I listen anyway. I love the above referenced song though, "I Don't Ever Give Up."
Refusing to throw in the towel is of utmost importance. For so long I have wanted to QUIT (ask any of my close friends), and somehow I've made it to this place, hanging on by some very weak thread most of the time. There have been days that have been so bad that I just figured there was absolutely no way anything could possibly change. In fact, on those days, I was completely convinced that there was no way out of my own personal hell.
BUT...big or small - there is always SOME KIND of solution. I need to remind myself of this [always].
There are going to be good times and bad. Ups and downs. I keep hearing that that's just the way life is, and I am starting to believe that there is truth in such a statement. I will mess up, and I will be disappointed with myself and possibly with others. Expectations will not always be met. I will not always feel like I am on cloud 9; I might feel like I'm on cloud -5 some days. But that doesn't mean that my life will remain in that place forever. I just have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep fighting. As long as I am trying, I have not failed. If I were to quit, that is when failure would come. I know all of this sounds extremely straight forward, cliche, and even simple (maybe it is?)... In my opinion, it is much easier said than done, but I have to at least TRY. That's all. And then I can see how things go from there.
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