Pain...

"Don't waste your pain." - Clyde Causey (my grandpa, "Poppe")

He's a genius.  What a wise statement and realization he's had and passed along.  He knows pain all too well from different experiences, but he learns from everything he's been through and what he goes through currently.  Poppe has been through quite a bit during his 70 years.  He has experienced deep hurt (physically and emotionally), intense sorrow, and incredible loss.  Does he let all of this destroy him?  By no means!  He learns.  He feels.  He accepts.  He endures.  He loves.  He continues.  He rests.  He remains.  He does not waste his pain.  Oh, how grateful I am to know this man.  What would I do without him?!

I have probably learned more from him than he may realize, but I want to be like him.  I want to be able to grow and learn like he has.  I want to have a wisdom that only comes from life experiences.  How many times have I wasted my pain?  It has probably happened more times than I would like to admit; therefore, I will try my best to do so from here on out.  It's unlikely that things will go according to plan all the time, because there may be times when I feel defeated or discouraged.  There will be mistakes on my part.  Life will happen.  But I must not waste my pain.  I cannot waste my past.  I WILL NOT waste my past.

I am beginning to learn how to forget my regrets, to make them things from which I can learn.  My past is a part of me, but it does not define me by any means.  It is simply a part of my story.  And it is only by GRACE and MERCY that I have even ended up in the place I am today.  I am on my way to being content, satisfied, happy, whole...things I thought would never come.  I am no longer empty, and it is incredible.  So today I choose life.  I choose to accept the Lord's relentless love.  I choose to accept God's strength over my own, for mine is insufficient.  I choose to be hopeful.  I choose to work through my pain.

DON'T WASTE YOUR PAIN.

I Lack...

Isaiah 40:28-29
"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him
who has no might he increases strength."

WHOA! I love these two verses right here. It makes me think about the fact that God is everything I lack.  He is constant when I am inconsistent in all my thoughts and feelings about any given thing.  He is so strong when I am beyond weak.  He is joyous when I am sad.  He makes a way when I cannot decide which direction to turn.  He is peace when all about me is pure chaos.  He is absolute truth when my mind is filled with lies.  He is confident when I am insecure.  HE IS ALL THAT I AM NOT.  And thank goodness!  There is something on which I can rest at any given time, any moment.

It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around all of this.  My God is completely solid and dependable, and I am continuing to realize this day after day.  When I feel like I want to give up, He lets me know that that is not an option.  I learn these things from the many wonderful and encouraging people in my life.  I am blessed beyond measure, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.  I also learn these things any time I read the Word.  I'll admit that it is hard for me to turn straight to the Bible at times, because I feel like I won't find exactly what I need, but I am quickly reminded that that thought is a load of crap.  I find what I need every time, and I choose to believe the words.  It has taken me quite some time to really believe what I read and what I am told through others, but I'm finally in a place where I can believe things for myself.  What a change!

I'll continue to repeat that these last couple of months have been a journey.  I am learning a lot, but I have a long way to go.  But I suppose we all have a long way to go.  This is all a process, and there will always be more to learn.  That is a little scary to me though, because sometimes I want to simply reach a stopping point with everything.  I want to experience some grand revelation that keeps me sustained for the rest of my life, but I don't think life is supposed to work that way.  We are all a work in progress, each being on a different journey.  And I am choosing to believe that this fact is absolutely beautiful.  There is beauty in little light bulbs turning on from time to time, and there is even beauty in the imperfections.  I could go on and on about my desire for perfectionism, but that is most assuredly going to be brought up in another post.  There's not enough room on this one.

Anyway...today I will choose to rest in the strength of the Lord, accepting His peace and security.

No More Fog.

There is fog all about me as I drive, and none of it seems to be letting up. I can't see clearly no matter how hard I try, no matter what I try to do.  I cannot see.  But I keep driving in hopes that something might change.

Going the distance is starting to slowly prove successful.  The further I drive, the lighter the fog becomes.  I can see buildings and sidewalks and people driving beside me.  Onward I go, and I'm still seeing more and more clarity.

There it is, a clear view.  I can see everything again.  I can make my way.  My view is not cloudy, no fog all around me, so I keep moving forward.

I am slowly learning that if I simply keep trying and pushing through the tough stuff, things eventually start to get better.  All of this may be redundant, but it is what I am learning day after day.  My mind is a scary place a lot of the time, but I am beginning to experience better things.  My perspective is morphing into something I've never known before.  I can't help but want to share this hope I have now.  I can't help but share the fact that things can change for the good.  I can't help but share that I experience a newness every morning without even trying.  Yes, I am working hard to make things different, but it is only by the grace of God that I have had any amount of strength to do so.  I have come to the realization that maybe life is really worth it, maybe I really do have a purpose, and I will cling to this with all that I have.  I will not lose it.  I will not succumb to what is destructive.

I want the newness to continue to show up, so I will keep doing my best to fill my mind with truth.  A dear friend reminded me that while it is great to get all of the negativity out, it is imperative to replace it..otherwise the chaos will return.  I will cling to truth; I will cling to hope.  I do not feel empty anymore, and I could never adequately express how good that feels.

So here I am living another day, grateful for the changes taking place within me.  And if somehow I can reach just one person, it has all been worth it.

That's it for now.

What's New?

I am not only made up of what my past holds. I am much more than that,
and I am starting to discover some different dimensions of myself every single day.
I have a newness that I don't think I've had before, and WOW, am I grateful!
I am new in several ways.

I have new perspectives and ideas and thoughts and beliefs and desires and hopes.  I haven't felt this way in so very long, and it feels really good. I feel motivated and purposeful.  To feel like I have a reason to keep trying is an unbelievable blessing.  Over the last month and a half or so, I have had a whole lot of "me" time, and it has allowed me to ponder quite a bit.

I have realized that my perspectives, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and hopes have been pretty skewed for far too long.  What foggy lenses I have been looking through this whole time.  They still need many more washes, but things are becoming clearer each and every day.  My thoughts and beliefs are changing for the good one step at a time.  I say one step at a time, because this will be a long process for me. I have believed lies for so long, and it is hard for me to determine what is really true. The lies have felt true; the truth has seemed false.  But what I try to do now is combat anything that might look like it could be a lie.  I will look to the Word and to people I trust to hear what is true.  Then I will replace the thought.  Eventually I will think more on truth.  That's what I'm hoping for anyway.  Not all of my desires are destructive and futile anymore.  My hopes are to move forward and to do what I can to live a happy, surrendered, fulfilling life.  The control I strive for now is for balance and moderation, without being completely black and white with every single thing.  There is truly a way to find the grey area, and I can actually be more in control without BEING controlled by the very thing that is overall destructive.  I've had to learn things the hard way, but it has all been well worth the effort and the time it has taken.  I am not saying that everything is going to be just peachy from now on, but I finally feel like I've got my head on a little straighter.  Finally!!

I've got a lot more to share, but that will be saved for a later time.

Some Inspiration

I'm going to mention Patty Griffin today. I was looking at some performances of hers on YouTube today, and I fell in love with her music all over again. I haven't listened to it regularly for quite some time, but I think I will start doing that again. I get inspired each time I listen. Her songs don't make me sad anymore with past memories - they make me think.

Even though we have probably been through entirely different experiences, I can relate to a lot of her lyrics. Something I've heard today has really caught my attention. It's a small part of one of her songs, but it's significant. The line says,

"But then I go on again, because you asked me to."

Love it... This last month or so has been rather difficult, and I haven't wanted to write on here at all. I guess I've just been thinking that I couldn't exactly share any aspect of positivity, that it would probably all be really depressing or something. But I guess it's ok for things to not always be great, for life to go up and down some. I'm not saying now that everything will change because I've heard this one line from a song, but it has made me think a little more about my mind and how I've been succumbing to everything. People tell me to keep going and to keep fighting, and sometimes I feel like no one understands how difficult things can be. However, they are certainly still correct - I have to keep going; I have to keep fighting, even when I really don't want to, even when I'd rather give in. I have many amazingly encouraging, helpful people in my life, and maybe I need to start trusting them a little more. Maybe they do know what they are talking about. Maybe I shouldn't trust myself all the time, because my sight is blurry and foggy. I have a lot of trouble finding genuine clarity. People keep fighting for me, so I just might need to start fighting for myself. 

[Because you've asked me to, I will go on again.] 

I CRAVE.

More, more, more - I crave.


I long to be satisfied, satiated, content.
To feel whole, to feel completed somehow - for this I search.


No matter who we are or where we've been, we all crave something.

I long for what is right and pure and good, and I long for what is terrible. It all happens at the same time. However, I usually focus more on the terrible part without even paying attention to what I am doing. Before I know it, I've slipped again. Why is that? Why can't I just get it all together and move on from this place? It seems so simple at times, and maybe it is... But it is most certainly NOT EASY! There is a difference. I am tired of messing up, tired of running after the wrong things and always ending up in the same strange place of misery. It doesn't have to be like that, but for some reason I keep going back.

I walk. I sprint. I leap in the direction of my past. I cling to it, making it another part of my present. I know my thoughts and actions are destructive in so many ways, but somehow (most days) I only allow myself to see the benefits, the very fleeting benefits.

Instant gratification.
That's it. That's how long it lasts.
And that is what I need to force myself to remember every single day. We all need to know that. We don't need to continue to waste our time on what doesn't fully satisfy. I chase after this same superficial CRAP each day, but nothing will change unless I start making the right decisions ON A DAILY BASIS. If I slip, I have to get back up and keep walking. I have to do the next right thing, no matter how much it might suck at the time, because I hear that it will all become easier if I just keep choosing what I should. So I have to keep going, even when I want to quit. I have to keep trying. Failure will not arrive unless I choose to throw in the towel.

So - even if I mess up, even if I fall,
even if I feel like it's all a lost cause - I keep going.

Yes, I will still crave.
But I have the right to choose my safe haven.
I have the right to choose to what my hands might cling.
I have the right to choose. 

Freedom is Sometimes a Mystery to Me

The cell door is wide open.
The chains are broken and lying on the floor.
Yet here I am by the back wall, seated in the same place as I was the day before.
Sometimes I stand and take a few steps, and sometimes I even make it through the open door.
But time and time again, I run RIGHT BACK to that seat against the wall.

I get tired, and my own strength fails me. Miserably.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
But what am I waiting for?
The "perfect moment"? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I could tidy up a little bit before calling this place history.
But with the exception of my body, this room is empty.
Empty...

I hear of life beyond this place, and it sounds lovely.
Even with the imperfections, it sounds better than this.
So where does the issue lie?
It is in my fear - the horribly awful, debilitating fear.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
Will my fear forever haunt me?
Will my fear forever silence what is good?

That door is open, and I am STILL HERE!
Those chains are on the floor, and I am STILL HERE!
I have to move. I have to take more steps to get out of this place.
I must somehow force myself to only look forward, even if just a little at a time.
There is nothing for me in this room,
At least, nothing that will satisfy...
Like I said before: It is empty space.
Sure, I'm used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant.
I've grown accustomed to how things work, but that doesn't mean it's fun.

There are always these small moments of progress when I get closer to that door.
There are the times when I've taken a couple of steps beyond it.
But I need to stay gone. I need to stay out of this room.
Yes, it has served some sort of screwed up, distorted purpose for quite some time...
But I hear that my life doesn't have to stay in this one spot.

So could I just accept and receive this freedom?
Could I walk passed the door and not run back to that seat on the wall?

Could I?