I CRAVE.

More, more, more - I crave.


I long to be satisfied, satiated, content.
To feel whole, to feel completed somehow - for this I search.


No matter who we are or where we've been, we all crave something.

I long for what is right and pure and good, and I long for what is terrible. It all happens at the same time. However, I usually focus more on the terrible part without even paying attention to what I am doing. Before I know it, I've slipped again. Why is that? Why can't I just get it all together and move on from this place? It seems so simple at times, and maybe it is... But it is most certainly NOT EASY! There is a difference. I am tired of messing up, tired of running after the wrong things and always ending up in the same strange place of misery. It doesn't have to be like that, but for some reason I keep going back.

I walk. I sprint. I leap in the direction of my past. I cling to it, making it another part of my present. I know my thoughts and actions are destructive in so many ways, but somehow (most days) I only allow myself to see the benefits, the very fleeting benefits.

Instant gratification.
That's it. That's how long it lasts.
And that is what I need to force myself to remember every single day. We all need to know that. We don't need to continue to waste our time on what doesn't fully satisfy. I chase after this same superficial CRAP each day, but nothing will change unless I start making the right decisions ON A DAILY BASIS. If I slip, I have to get back up and keep walking. I have to do the next right thing, no matter how much it might suck at the time, because I hear that it will all become easier if I just keep choosing what I should. So I have to keep going, even when I want to quit. I have to keep trying. Failure will not arrive unless I choose to throw in the towel.

So - even if I mess up, even if I fall,
even if I feel like it's all a lost cause - I keep going.

Yes, I will still crave.
But I have the right to choose my safe haven.
I have the right to choose to what my hands might cling.
I have the right to choose. 

Freedom is Sometimes a Mystery to Me

The cell door is wide open.
The chains are broken and lying on the floor.
Yet here I am by the back wall, seated in the same place as I was the day before.
Sometimes I stand and take a few steps, and sometimes I even make it through the open door.
But time and time again, I run RIGHT BACK to that seat against the wall.

I get tired, and my own strength fails me. Miserably.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
But what am I waiting for?
The "perfect moment"? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I could tidy up a little bit before calling this place history.
But with the exception of my body, this room is empty.
Empty...

I hear of life beyond this place, and it sounds lovely.
Even with the imperfections, it sounds better than this.
So where does the issue lie?
It is in my fear - the horribly awful, debilitating fear.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
Will my fear forever haunt me?
Will my fear forever silence what is good?

That door is open, and I am STILL HERE!
Those chains are on the floor, and I am STILL HERE!
I have to move. I have to take more steps to get out of this place.
I must somehow force myself to only look forward, even if just a little at a time.
There is nothing for me in this room,
At least, nothing that will satisfy...
Like I said before: It is empty space.
Sure, I'm used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant.
I've grown accustomed to how things work, but that doesn't mean it's fun.

There are always these small moments of progress when I get closer to that door.
There are the times when I've taken a couple of steps beyond it.
But I need to stay gone. I need to stay out of this room.
Yes, it has served some sort of screwed up, distorted purpose for quite some time...
But I hear that my life doesn't have to stay in this one spot.

So could I just accept and receive this freedom?
Could I walk passed the door and not run back to that seat on the wall?

Could I?