For Goodness Sake!

I know I have said this before - I cannot be perfect. But for goodness sake! Could I stop being so stubborn?? Moving forward is what I want for my life. I want to HAVE a life. I want to feel content and satisfied...but I continue to hold on to so many terrible thoughts and feelings and actions. I do what I do not want to do, and I don't do what I should do all the time. What is it going to take? When is everything going to truly click (entirely). I know I've said that things are slowly starting to get better, but I need them to continue. Maybe I'm being impatient; I can't really tell. I could be moving at an ok pace, but I always want to go faster. Maybe I'm just not ready for faster right now...

I expect a lot of myself, and it's disappointing when I do not reach my own standards. I think that everyone sets their own standards too high though. At least, that's what I have found to be true in most people whom I know. We probably all need to give ourselves a bit of a break every once in a while. But really, when will I get the hang of things? When will I be able to simply let go of control and give it ALL to the Lord. I have realized that I can't do everything on my own, but I have trouble continually handing things over. It's not my job to save myself though, right? It's my job to give things up and let God win my battles and create victory. I know there are certain choices and actions that I must put forth, but God is bigger and greater than any of what I deal with. This is something else I need to get through my stubborn, cynical mind.

All of this probably sounds jumbled, but I just needed to get some thoughts out there. I want my desire for what is better to motivate me completely. I want to always see my struggles as things that are not good for me; they are only destructive. People tell me this all the time, and I need to really start believing them.

Maybe everything can really be all right if I give it a chance. God has promised that He will finish what He has started, and I will do my best to cling tightly to that truth. I must never give up. I must keep going, even if I have to do it one tiny step at a time.

"I'm no kid in a kid's game,
Did what I did,
I got no one to blame.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up...

I'm no fighter,
But I'm fighting.
This whole world seems uninviting.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up.
I fall down sometimes,
Sometimes I come back flying...

Not clean,
Not washed up.
This dream,
I don't ever give up."

Oh, how often I have repeated this song on my iPod! Patty Griffin is a genius. I don't think a ton of people know who she is, but the woman can write. Her songs are heavy with meaning, determination, pain, sadness....so much emotion. Sometimes there's a little too much emotion for me to hear, but I listen anyway. I love the above referenced song though, "I Don't Ever Give Up."

Refusing to throw in the towel is of utmost importance. For so long I have wanted to QUIT (ask any of my close friends), and somehow I've made it to this place, hanging on by some very weak thread most of the time. There have been days that have been so bad that I just figured there was absolutely no way anything could possibly change. In fact, on those days, I was completely convinced that there was no way out of my own personal hell.

BUT...big or small - there is always SOME KIND of solution. I need to remind myself of this [always].

There are going to be good times and bad. Ups and downs. I keep hearing that that's just the way life is, and I am starting to believe that there is truth in such a statement. I will mess up, and I will be disappointed with myself and possibly with others. Expectations will not always be met. I will not always feel like I am on cloud 9; I might feel like I'm on cloud -5 some days. But that doesn't mean that my life will remain in that place forever. I just have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep fighting. As long as I am trying, I have not failed. If I were to quit, that is when failure would come. I know all of this sounds extremely straight forward, cliche, and even simple (maybe it is?)... In my opinion, it is much easier said than done, but I have to at least TRY. That's all. And then I can see how things go from there.

Seriously?

I am consistently inconsistent. Up and down, back and forth...you name it. I can wake up one way and be a different way an hour later. Give me a few hours more, and I could be in another place. I drive myself crazy! And the past few days have been a great example of this. I would get started in the morning, feeling hopeful and slightly confident, but around lunch time I would start to feel like I was just falling apart at the seams. I couldn't stop my thoughts, all of the lies and anxieties. I was afraid I would mess something up, and part of me actually wanted to, which just made me completely disappointed in myself. Why must I feel this way? Why must I think like this? Will I always deal with this crap? I mean, come on! Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore, like I can't get away. But then I read these things...

2 Corinthians 12:9a (English Standard Version)
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

This is pretty straight forward, right? Grace... Ever since I can remember, GRACE has been one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp and accept. I don't think there is ever going to be a day when I completely understand it, but I want something to click. I need something to click. I want to live in grace as I should. I want to rest in it. I want to continually receive it. That's the hard part - receiving. I know for so long I have thought that God's grace could not possibly come all the way down to my lowest low, but He meets me where I am. And as hard as it is to allow Him to do that, He doesn't want me to try to fix myself up for Him. That's His deal. He makes us clean. He transforms us. He creates newness.

I know these things, but to constantly trust and live in that way seems completely impossible to me almost ALL of the time. I tend to wonder: Could I really be changed? Can I really be transformed? Is that a possibility for me? Does He seriously want to give me grace despite who I am?    
Seriously???
YES!
This verse means what it says, and that's that.

1 Peter 5:10-11 (Contemporary English Version)
"But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. 
That's why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you 
to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, 
but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm. 
God will be in control forever! Amen."

I love these two verses, but the part that really gets me is that..."God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm." Seriously? I want those four things, and right now, I feel as though I am the exact opposite of them all. I am not complete. I am NOT steady. I am not strong. I am not firm.  But there's some hope here, right? This is a promise. I must cling tightly to it and trust that everything can be all right. What do I have if I do not have something in which to hope?

"I am Yours"

A few months ago, I had a bit of a "revelation," if you will...
I was visiting my grandparents in Dallas one weekend, and I was up early on that Saturday (BIG surprise) listening to some music. Music is a huge part of my life, part of what makes me tick, so I really pay attention to the lyrics while I'm listening. That morning I kept hearing a certain theme come up over and over in a number of songs on this one worship CD:
I am Yours.
I am Yours.
I am Yours.

"Should I keep listening to this?" I thought... "I don't know if I can really let this sink in. It seems far too overwhelming honestly." But I replayed the songs. I would rewind those specific sections with that powerful phrase, and I desperately tried to make sense of it all. Is it true? Is it true for ME? Am I His? Does this apply to me? Is it too far-fetched? If it is true, does this truth extend to me?

The answers? YES, it is true. It is true for me. It is true for others. I am not the exception. It is not too far-fetched. This truth does extend to me. I AM HIS.

For some reason, and for so long, I have had the hardest time understanding that the truth applies to me. I have believed the same things for my whole life - I've been a Christian for a long time. But as I've grown up, I have learned that I need to figure out some things for myself. It's great that I have been brought up in the church and that I have learned things from such a young age, BUT there comes a point in life when we have to make our own decisions; we have to learn things for ourselves. We have to make very personal decisions about so many things. We have to find reason, meaning, purpose. So we search.

I found out that I still believed what I had learned, but I had a hard time truly experiencing anything. I still have a hard time with that. I become so numb, stagnant, apathetic. I get stuck. I become underwhelmed. I hate to even say all of this, but it's true. This is how things have been for the last ten years or so. Much of it could very likely be my own fault, but that doesn't make me hate it any less. With the numbness comes the lies. With the lies comes disbelief. And with disbelief...well, it is just a huge, horrible cycle from there. I might start to think that I will only let things matter if I can FEEL it. But here's the thing - believing is not always feeling. I have heard that sentence over and OVER from some very wise people in my life, and I am just now starting to understand it a little. I cannot rely on how I feel all the time, because my feelings change often. I am pretty all over the place with my emotions during just a single day, SO...I have to rest in truth. I have to believe first and foremost (which can be so freaking difficult!). Feelings - good or bad - come and go all the time, but truth remains.

And I am mentioning all of this to say that my fickle feelings do not change God. He is constant when I am chaotic. He is strong when I am weak. He is all that I am NOT. His love does not change even if I do. And no matter what I feel, I am still His. My feelings don't change that. I am wanted, and I am loved. The lies that fill my mind do not morph all of that truth into something else. If truth was based on how I felt, I would be in a world of hurt.

FYI: This post has turned into something completely different from what I had originally planned. I do hope all of it makes some kind of sense though.

Choices. Choices. Choices.

I have a choice. Part of life is definitely a series of choices. Most of the time it seems as though I don't necessarily have a choice, but I am continually reminded that I do. So that must be the truth, correct? While I am surely not going to reach any level of perfection, it IS possible for me to do the right thing, to choose what is better. It has been an EXTREMELY slow process, but I am learning to make choices. I am learning that I have a choice. I have a right to choose. I think for a long time I have seen myself as a victim who could only succumb to the destructive ways of my mind, but it doesn't have to be that way. I do not have to be nailed down by my struggles.

It is a mental, emotional, physical fight every single moment of every single day right now, but I have hope that it will not always be like this. I have hope that I can come out on the other side at some point. And maybe, just maybe, it won't feel so cumbersome to make these choices. Maybe I could feel a little more normal again...whatever normal is. I don't think there's a clear definition for that at all! :)

Today I will remind myself of this verse...
Psalm 73:26
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Thank goodness I do not have to rely on myself for everything. I have to make choices, but I can get the strength to do so from the Lord. That is a choice too. But it is possible.

I choose to make today one full of success.

It has been quite some time since I have written. I started this blog thinking I would post ALL the time, but I just continued to write in my own journal instead. 2011 was not my most favorite year, not a year I am overwhelmingly proud of...BUT slowly as this new year has begun, a few things have started change. Each change is subtle and would probably seem relatively small to someone else, but to me, ANY change is a HUGE freaking deal.

I'm not even sure where I should begin. The last time I posted something was spring/summer of 2011...it's now an entire year later, and a lot has happened. It is all quite jumbled in my mind, so it might be a little all over the place as I write - bare with me.

Around the time that I stopped writing before, I started the mentor/mentee program at Crosspoint. Hands down one of the the best things that has ever happened to me. Hallie James is my mentor, and I could not be more grateful. She has walked with me through so much, she has put up with my crap and my chaos, and she has shown me grace and love the entire time. What ever did I do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've done the opposite of being someone who deserves such grace and love, yet it has continually been given time and time again. No words could ever convey my gratitude, and I could never say enough.

And speaking of people in my life, I am growing much closer to my family in so many ways. I think that right now is probably the most healthy any of our relationships have ever been, and I am so glad. It has taken a LOT of time and hard work, but I think we are learning how to better communicate, how to love, and how to show that love. It is by no means perfect (never will be), but there has been change and growth. I love and enjoy my family so very much, and I am learning more and more how to uniquely appreciate each person individually.

I'm going to skip WAY ahead to this past month or so. I have done a lot of thinking and wondering, as always, and some things are slowly (but surely) starting to click in this screwed up brain of mine. I know that not everyone knows my struggles that I deal with on a daily basis, and maybe one day I will share that in here...but it is a BIG deal that things are starting to really sink in. My usual beliefs are starting to seem ludicrous at times. I am starting to see those beliefs as the lies that they really are. For about ten or eleven years (and more intensely the past seven years), I have believed the same things, turning them over and over in my mind, never feeling like anything could ever change. I've believed that my life would always remain the same, that I would stay stuck and hopeless as always. I have just assumed that anything more was not in any way possible. What I have heard again and again is that those things are not true. Sure, it sounds really nice when someone else says it. Seems easy. Seems like it could, of course, be true for them. But IT IS ALSO TRUE FOR ME! I am not THE exception to the Lord's love and purpose. He did not create every other person with a meaning and then leave me out. That doesn't even make sense! But I have believed it. I have believed every possible LIE a person could believe, trust me, and it is a very constant battle to fight all of those things away. All day I have to choose what to believe, what to think about.

But for the first time in so long, I feel hopeful. I feel as though not all is lost.  I don't have to wake up each morning and only hope that the day will hasten to its end. There are other things out there. The Lord is FOR me, not AGAINST me. And if I have Him fighting for me, why do I need to be so afraid...? Now that I just typed that out, I am really going to have to think about it throughout the day. I tend to live in great fear, but why? Why do I let fear run things??

I really could keep going on and on and on, but I will be late for work if I don't stop writing. Until later!