It has been quite some time since I have written. I started this blog thinking I would post ALL the time, but I just continued to write in my own journal instead. 2011 was not my most favorite year, not a year I am overwhelmingly proud of...BUT slowly as this new year has begun, a few things have started change. Each change is subtle and would probably seem relatively small to someone else, but to me, ANY change is a HUGE freaking deal.

I'm not even sure where I should begin. The last time I posted something was spring/summer of 2011...it's now an entire year later, and a lot has happened. It is all quite jumbled in my mind, so it might be a little all over the place as I write - bare with me.

Around the time that I stopped writing before, I started the mentor/mentee program at Crosspoint. Hands down one of the the best things that has ever happened to me. Hallie James is my mentor, and I could not be more grateful. She has walked with me through so much, she has put up with my crap and my chaos, and she has shown me grace and love the entire time. What ever did I do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've done the opposite of being someone who deserves such grace and love, yet it has continually been given time and time again. No words could ever convey my gratitude, and I could never say enough.

And speaking of people in my life, I am growing much closer to my family in so many ways. I think that right now is probably the most healthy any of our relationships have ever been, and I am so glad. It has taken a LOT of time and hard work, but I think we are learning how to better communicate, how to love, and how to show that love. It is by no means perfect (never will be), but there has been change and growth. I love and enjoy my family so very much, and I am learning more and more how to uniquely appreciate each person individually.

I'm going to skip WAY ahead to this past month or so. I have done a lot of thinking and wondering, as always, and some things are slowly (but surely) starting to click in this screwed up brain of mine. I know that not everyone knows my struggles that I deal with on a daily basis, and maybe one day I will share that in here...but it is a BIG deal that things are starting to really sink in. My usual beliefs are starting to seem ludicrous at times. I am starting to see those beliefs as the lies that they really are. For about ten or eleven years (and more intensely the past seven years), I have believed the same things, turning them over and over in my mind, never feeling like anything could ever change. I've believed that my life would always remain the same, that I would stay stuck and hopeless as always. I have just assumed that anything more was not in any way possible. What I have heard again and again is that those things are not true. Sure, it sounds really nice when someone else says it. Seems easy. Seems like it could, of course, be true for them. But IT IS ALSO TRUE FOR ME! I am not THE exception to the Lord's love and purpose. He did not create every other person with a meaning and then leave me out. That doesn't even make sense! But I have believed it. I have believed every possible LIE a person could believe, trust me, and it is a very constant battle to fight all of those things away. All day I have to choose what to believe, what to think about.

But for the first time in so long, I feel hopeful. I feel as though not all is lost.  I don't have to wake up each morning and only hope that the day will hasten to its end. There are other things out there. The Lord is FOR me, not AGAINST me. And if I have Him fighting for me, why do I need to be so afraid...? Now that I just typed that out, I am really going to have to think about it throughout the day. I tend to live in great fear, but why? Why do I let fear run things??

I really could keep going on and on and on, but I will be late for work if I don't stop writing. Until later!