"I am Yours"

A few months ago, I had a bit of a "revelation," if you will...
I was visiting my grandparents in Dallas one weekend, and I was up early on that Saturday (BIG surprise) listening to some music. Music is a huge part of my life, part of what makes me tick, so I really pay attention to the lyrics while I'm listening. That morning I kept hearing a certain theme come up over and over in a number of songs on this one worship CD:
I am Yours.
I am Yours.
I am Yours.

"Should I keep listening to this?" I thought... "I don't know if I can really let this sink in. It seems far too overwhelming honestly." But I replayed the songs. I would rewind those specific sections with that powerful phrase, and I desperately tried to make sense of it all. Is it true? Is it true for ME? Am I His? Does this apply to me? Is it too far-fetched? If it is true, does this truth extend to me?

The answers? YES, it is true. It is true for me. It is true for others. I am not the exception. It is not too far-fetched. This truth does extend to me. I AM HIS.

For some reason, and for so long, I have had the hardest time understanding that the truth applies to me. I have believed the same things for my whole life - I've been a Christian for a long time. But as I've grown up, I have learned that I need to figure out some things for myself. It's great that I have been brought up in the church and that I have learned things from such a young age, BUT there comes a point in life when we have to make our own decisions; we have to learn things for ourselves. We have to make very personal decisions about so many things. We have to find reason, meaning, purpose. So we search.

I found out that I still believed what I had learned, but I had a hard time truly experiencing anything. I still have a hard time with that. I become so numb, stagnant, apathetic. I get stuck. I become underwhelmed. I hate to even say all of this, but it's true. This is how things have been for the last ten years or so. Much of it could very likely be my own fault, but that doesn't make me hate it any less. With the numbness comes the lies. With the lies comes disbelief. And with disbelief...well, it is just a huge, horrible cycle from there. I might start to think that I will only let things matter if I can FEEL it. But here's the thing - believing is not always feeling. I have heard that sentence over and OVER from some very wise people in my life, and I am just now starting to understand it a little. I cannot rely on how I feel all the time, because my feelings change often. I am pretty all over the place with my emotions during just a single day, SO...I have to rest in truth. I have to believe first and foremost (which can be so freaking difficult!). Feelings - good or bad - come and go all the time, but truth remains.

And I am mentioning all of this to say that my fickle feelings do not change God. He is constant when I am chaotic. He is strong when I am weak. He is all that I am NOT. His love does not change even if I do. And no matter what I feel, I am still His. My feelings don't change that. I am wanted, and I am loved. The lies that fill my mind do not morph all of that truth into something else. If truth was based on how I felt, I would be in a world of hurt.

FYI: This post has turned into something completely different from what I had originally planned. I do hope all of it makes some kind of sense though.