The process that is easy to dread, hard to love, terrifying to embrace, but, OH! SO freeing.
I'm going to be brutally honest about something that not everyone knows...(drumroll) I am Maegan and I have an eating disorder, deal with depression and blah, blah, blah :) I say "blah, blah, blah" only because there are so many minute details that just will not fit on this thing. Trust me.
I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia since I was 17 years old, finishing up my junior year of high school. I have been to treatment twice and have relapsed who knows how many times, but things are finally different. FINALLY. TRULY.
Have you ever been in that place where something JUST CLICKS? It could be finally understanding a concept in math or science, knowing how to never get lost going to a certain destination downtown, having some kind of personal (and possibly random) revelation. Could be anything! It's pretty dang awesome, right? Well, this past May, the "click" happened for me in regards to all that I've struggled with for these last several years. And hear me out: It is not that I have not wanted to be in recovery during all of this time - I lacked a special kind of willingness, I did not have courage, I had no hope, I could not see my worth, I did not trust that things could change, and my fears paralyzed me entirely. But back at the beginning of May, I realized something very significant: I do not want to live my life in the midst of this disorder, living in fear every single day, while things get progressively worse. And because I do not want that for my life, recovery is my only option. I have to do it. It has to happen even though it will be hard, even though it will be scary, even though I won't like it all the time. I have to take steps forward, and it's ok if they are itty bitty steps too.
The same day of the "clicking incident," I made a list of things I want. Some of them are big, some are small, and some are even pretty corny. I always keep the list in my wallet just in case I need a reminder now and then. It's nice to know that there are actually things I want that can keep me motivated. If I'm not in recovery, none of that list could truly be experienced.
Something else I discovered was that this was the very first time that I have wanted to do recovery for myself. People can want it for me all day long (and I certainly have people in my life who love me enough to want it for me), but nothing will change unless I make the move. I can see now that it is completely ok to LIVE a life. I do NOT have to only exist day after day. I also don't have to be ashamed of who I am and what I've been through. No one does. This is all part of my story, but the struggles are not my identity.
I have realized also that God can do what I cannot do. I heard Kari Jobe say that a few days ago, and it was/is rather powerful to think about. Thank goodness He is everything I lack and more, and thank goodness I do not have to do this alone. I have been pretty good at trying to avoid facing God with all of this crap, even though He is fully aware already. I've had this idea that maybe he'd be too pissed at me for damaging my body and believing lies and making crazy mistakes and hurting others in my life, that maybe He wouldn't forgive me, that maybe His grace wouldn't reach me.
WRONG!
He forgives me. He generously gives me grace. He does not condemn me, and He does not shame me. I will admit, however, that these concepts are not easy for me to remember every minute of every day. But you know what? The fact that I can actually see those things is more than I could have ever asked for.
Every day I am very aware of how screwed up my mind is and can be, but I'm thinking that maybe I'm not the only one. And in this awareness, I am reminded that this process is not a quick one, that it's not perfect, that it's tough, that it is often terrifying; but it is possible.
RELEASING SHAME
release, (verb) - to free from confinement, bondage, pain; to free from anything that restrains or fastens
LEARNING FORGIVENESS
forgiveness, (noun) - justification, overlooking, acquittal, exoneration, compassion
RECEIVING GRACE
grace, (noun) - undeserved, unmerited, unearned, favor
RADICALLY ACCEPTING
accept, (verb) - to take or receive; to welcome, to secure
...LETTING GO
[self-explanatory]
