On My Knees, Overwhelmed

"Find You On My Knees" - Kari Jobe

Troubles chasing me again
Breaking down my best defense
I'm looking
God, I'm looking for You
Weary just won't let me rest
And fear is filling up my head
I'm longing
God, I'm longing for You
But I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith
What if heartache still remains
I'll trust You
My God, I'll trust You
And I will
Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees....

WOW... Ok, I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past couple of days. Can't get enough of the words. It describes perfectly the place I'm in right now. So often I feel out of touch and out of reach.  I tend to want to give up on a lot of things and just stop searching and trying. I start to feel that nothing will ever truly change for me, no matter what I do. I feel too far away, but that's just not true.

The Lord is always near, even when I can't feel His presence. He does not and will not leave, and He's right here in the place I'm in, when I'm at my end. I don't deserve it, but He still covers me with His grace. Whatever my mistakes, whatever my shortcomings, He meets me in those places. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel hopeless. I just have to keep believing and pouring truth into my life. My fickle heart and mind tend to wander away, but I am always brought back to the reality that I am loved and cherished by the Lord. He gives me purpose and reason, even when I don't always know what those things are. He began a good work, and He will finish it. That's quite a promise right there, and He will not break it. What is better than that? I will choose to rest in that reality today.

I am completely overwhelmed by this LOVE today. I wish I could adequately explain what I feel, but words fail me...Just remember: He meets us where we are, no matter the place. We are never too far gone or without hope.

Pain...

"Don't waste your pain." - Clyde Causey (my grandpa, "Poppe")

He's a genius.  What a wise statement and realization he's had and passed along.  He knows pain all too well from different experiences, but he learns from everything he's been through and what he goes through currently.  Poppe has been through quite a bit during his 70 years.  He has experienced deep hurt (physically and emotionally), intense sorrow, and incredible loss.  Does he let all of this destroy him?  By no means!  He learns.  He feels.  He accepts.  He endures.  He loves.  He continues.  He rests.  He remains.  He does not waste his pain.  Oh, how grateful I am to know this man.  What would I do without him?!

I have probably learned more from him than he may realize, but I want to be like him.  I want to be able to grow and learn like he has.  I want to have a wisdom that only comes from life experiences.  How many times have I wasted my pain?  It has probably happened more times than I would like to admit; therefore, I will try my best to do so from here on out.  It's unlikely that things will go according to plan all the time, because there may be times when I feel defeated or discouraged.  There will be mistakes on my part.  Life will happen.  But I must not waste my pain.  I cannot waste my past.  I WILL NOT waste my past.

I am beginning to learn how to forget my regrets, to make them things from which I can learn.  My past is a part of me, but it does not define me by any means.  It is simply a part of my story.  And it is only by GRACE and MERCY that I have even ended up in the place I am today.  I am on my way to being content, satisfied, happy, whole...things I thought would never come.  I am no longer empty, and it is incredible.  So today I choose life.  I choose to accept the Lord's relentless love.  I choose to accept God's strength over my own, for mine is insufficient.  I choose to be hopeful.  I choose to work through my pain.

DON'T WASTE YOUR PAIN.

I Lack...

Isaiah 40:28-29
"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him
who has no might he increases strength."

WHOA! I love these two verses right here. It makes me think about the fact that God is everything I lack.  He is constant when I am inconsistent in all my thoughts and feelings about any given thing.  He is so strong when I am beyond weak.  He is joyous when I am sad.  He makes a way when I cannot decide which direction to turn.  He is peace when all about me is pure chaos.  He is absolute truth when my mind is filled with lies.  He is confident when I am insecure.  HE IS ALL THAT I AM NOT.  And thank goodness!  There is something on which I can rest at any given time, any moment.

It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around all of this.  My God is completely solid and dependable, and I am continuing to realize this day after day.  When I feel like I want to give up, He lets me know that that is not an option.  I learn these things from the many wonderful and encouraging people in my life.  I am blessed beyond measure, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.  I also learn these things any time I read the Word.  I'll admit that it is hard for me to turn straight to the Bible at times, because I feel like I won't find exactly what I need, but I am quickly reminded that that thought is a load of crap.  I find what I need every time, and I choose to believe the words.  It has taken me quite some time to really believe what I read and what I am told through others, but I'm finally in a place where I can believe things for myself.  What a change!

I'll continue to repeat that these last couple of months have been a journey.  I am learning a lot, but I have a long way to go.  But I suppose we all have a long way to go.  This is all a process, and there will always be more to learn.  That is a little scary to me though, because sometimes I want to simply reach a stopping point with everything.  I want to experience some grand revelation that keeps me sustained for the rest of my life, but I don't think life is supposed to work that way.  We are all a work in progress, each being on a different journey.  And I am choosing to believe that this fact is absolutely beautiful.  There is beauty in little light bulbs turning on from time to time, and there is even beauty in the imperfections.  I could go on and on about my desire for perfectionism, but that is most assuredly going to be brought up in another post.  There's not enough room on this one.

Anyway...today I will choose to rest in the strength of the Lord, accepting His peace and security.

No More Fog.

There is fog all about me as I drive, and none of it seems to be letting up. I can't see clearly no matter how hard I try, no matter what I try to do.  I cannot see.  But I keep driving in hopes that something might change.

Going the distance is starting to slowly prove successful.  The further I drive, the lighter the fog becomes.  I can see buildings and sidewalks and people driving beside me.  Onward I go, and I'm still seeing more and more clarity.

There it is, a clear view.  I can see everything again.  I can make my way.  My view is not cloudy, no fog all around me, so I keep moving forward.

I am slowly learning that if I simply keep trying and pushing through the tough stuff, things eventually start to get better.  All of this may be redundant, but it is what I am learning day after day.  My mind is a scary place a lot of the time, but I am beginning to experience better things.  My perspective is morphing into something I've never known before.  I can't help but want to share this hope I have now.  I can't help but share the fact that things can change for the good.  I can't help but share that I experience a newness every morning without even trying.  Yes, I am working hard to make things different, but it is only by the grace of God that I have had any amount of strength to do so.  I have come to the realization that maybe life is really worth it, maybe I really do have a purpose, and I will cling to this with all that I have.  I will not lose it.  I will not succumb to what is destructive.

I want the newness to continue to show up, so I will keep doing my best to fill my mind with truth.  A dear friend reminded me that while it is great to get all of the negativity out, it is imperative to replace it..otherwise the chaos will return.  I will cling to truth; I will cling to hope.  I do not feel empty anymore, and I could never adequately express how good that feels.

So here I am living another day, grateful for the changes taking place within me.  And if somehow I can reach just one person, it has all been worth it.

That's it for now.

What's New?

I am not only made up of what my past holds. I am much more than that,
and I am starting to discover some different dimensions of myself every single day.
I have a newness that I don't think I've had before, and WOW, am I grateful!
I am new in several ways.

I have new perspectives and ideas and thoughts and beliefs and desires and hopes.  I haven't felt this way in so very long, and it feels really good. I feel motivated and purposeful.  To feel like I have a reason to keep trying is an unbelievable blessing.  Over the last month and a half or so, I have had a whole lot of "me" time, and it has allowed me to ponder quite a bit.

I have realized that my perspectives, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and hopes have been pretty skewed for far too long.  What foggy lenses I have been looking through this whole time.  They still need many more washes, but things are becoming clearer each and every day.  My thoughts and beliefs are changing for the good one step at a time.  I say one step at a time, because this will be a long process for me. I have believed lies for so long, and it is hard for me to determine what is really true. The lies have felt true; the truth has seemed false.  But what I try to do now is combat anything that might look like it could be a lie.  I will look to the Word and to people I trust to hear what is true.  Then I will replace the thought.  Eventually I will think more on truth.  That's what I'm hoping for anyway.  Not all of my desires are destructive and futile anymore.  My hopes are to move forward and to do what I can to live a happy, surrendered, fulfilling life.  The control I strive for now is for balance and moderation, without being completely black and white with every single thing.  There is truly a way to find the grey area, and I can actually be more in control without BEING controlled by the very thing that is overall destructive.  I've had to learn things the hard way, but it has all been well worth the effort and the time it has taken.  I am not saying that everything is going to be just peachy from now on, but I finally feel like I've got my head on a little straighter.  Finally!!

I've got a lot more to share, but that will be saved for a later time.

Some Inspiration

I'm going to mention Patty Griffin today. I was looking at some performances of hers on YouTube today, and I fell in love with her music all over again. I haven't listened to it regularly for quite some time, but I think I will start doing that again. I get inspired each time I listen. Her songs don't make me sad anymore with past memories - they make me think.

Even though we have probably been through entirely different experiences, I can relate to a lot of her lyrics. Something I've heard today has really caught my attention. It's a small part of one of her songs, but it's significant. The line says,

"But then I go on again, because you asked me to."

Love it... This last month or so has been rather difficult, and I haven't wanted to write on here at all. I guess I've just been thinking that I couldn't exactly share any aspect of positivity, that it would probably all be really depressing or something. But I guess it's ok for things to not always be great, for life to go up and down some. I'm not saying now that everything will change because I've heard this one line from a song, but it has made me think a little more about my mind and how I've been succumbing to everything. People tell me to keep going and to keep fighting, and sometimes I feel like no one understands how difficult things can be. However, they are certainly still correct - I have to keep going; I have to keep fighting, even when I really don't want to, even when I'd rather give in. I have many amazingly encouraging, helpful people in my life, and maybe I need to start trusting them a little more. Maybe they do know what they are talking about. Maybe I shouldn't trust myself all the time, because my sight is blurry and foggy. I have a lot of trouble finding genuine clarity. People keep fighting for me, so I just might need to start fighting for myself. 

[Because you've asked me to, I will go on again.] 

I CRAVE.

More, more, more - I crave.


I long to be satisfied, satiated, content.
To feel whole, to feel completed somehow - for this I search.


No matter who we are or where we've been, we all crave something.

I long for what is right and pure and good, and I long for what is terrible. It all happens at the same time. However, I usually focus more on the terrible part without even paying attention to what I am doing. Before I know it, I've slipped again. Why is that? Why can't I just get it all together and move on from this place? It seems so simple at times, and maybe it is... But it is most certainly NOT EASY! There is a difference. I am tired of messing up, tired of running after the wrong things and always ending up in the same strange place of misery. It doesn't have to be like that, but for some reason I keep going back.

I walk. I sprint. I leap in the direction of my past. I cling to it, making it another part of my present. I know my thoughts and actions are destructive in so many ways, but somehow (most days) I only allow myself to see the benefits, the very fleeting benefits.

Instant gratification.
That's it. That's how long it lasts.
And that is what I need to force myself to remember every single day. We all need to know that. We don't need to continue to waste our time on what doesn't fully satisfy. I chase after this same superficial CRAP each day, but nothing will change unless I start making the right decisions ON A DAILY BASIS. If I slip, I have to get back up and keep walking. I have to do the next right thing, no matter how much it might suck at the time, because I hear that it will all become easier if I just keep choosing what I should. So I have to keep going, even when I want to quit. I have to keep trying. Failure will not arrive unless I choose to throw in the towel.

So - even if I mess up, even if I fall,
even if I feel like it's all a lost cause - I keep going.

Yes, I will still crave.
But I have the right to choose my safe haven.
I have the right to choose to what my hands might cling.
I have the right to choose. 

Freedom is Sometimes a Mystery to Me

The cell door is wide open.
The chains are broken and lying on the floor.
Yet here I am by the back wall, seated in the same place as I was the day before.
Sometimes I stand and take a few steps, and sometimes I even make it through the open door.
But time and time again, I run RIGHT BACK to that seat against the wall.

I get tired, and my own strength fails me. Miserably.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
But what am I waiting for?
The "perfect moment"? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I could tidy up a little bit before calling this place history.
But with the exception of my body, this room is empty.
Empty...

I hear of life beyond this place, and it sounds lovely.
Even with the imperfections, it sounds better than this.
So where does the issue lie?
It is in my fear - the horribly awful, debilitating fear.
So I sit. I stay. I wait.
Will my fear forever haunt me?
Will my fear forever silence what is good?

That door is open, and I am STILL HERE!
Those chains are on the floor, and I am STILL HERE!
I have to move. I have to take more steps to get out of this place.
I must somehow force myself to only look forward, even if just a little at a time.
There is nothing for me in this room,
At least, nothing that will satisfy...
Like I said before: It is empty space.
Sure, I'm used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant.
I've grown accustomed to how things work, but that doesn't mean it's fun.

There are always these small moments of progress when I get closer to that door.
There are the times when I've taken a couple of steps beyond it.
But I need to stay gone. I need to stay out of this room.
Yes, it has served some sort of screwed up, distorted purpose for quite some time...
But I hear that my life doesn't have to stay in this one spot.

So could I just accept and receive this freedom?
Could I walk passed the door and not run back to that seat on the wall?

Could I?

For Goodness Sake!

I know I have said this before - I cannot be perfect. But for goodness sake! Could I stop being so stubborn?? Moving forward is what I want for my life. I want to HAVE a life. I want to feel content and satisfied...but I continue to hold on to so many terrible thoughts and feelings and actions. I do what I do not want to do, and I don't do what I should do all the time. What is it going to take? When is everything going to truly click (entirely). I know I've said that things are slowly starting to get better, but I need them to continue. Maybe I'm being impatient; I can't really tell. I could be moving at an ok pace, but I always want to go faster. Maybe I'm just not ready for faster right now...

I expect a lot of myself, and it's disappointing when I do not reach my own standards. I think that everyone sets their own standards too high though. At least, that's what I have found to be true in most people whom I know. We probably all need to give ourselves a bit of a break every once in a while. But really, when will I get the hang of things? When will I be able to simply let go of control and give it ALL to the Lord. I have realized that I can't do everything on my own, but I have trouble continually handing things over. It's not my job to save myself though, right? It's my job to give things up and let God win my battles and create victory. I know there are certain choices and actions that I must put forth, but God is bigger and greater than any of what I deal with. This is something else I need to get through my stubborn, cynical mind.

All of this probably sounds jumbled, but I just needed to get some thoughts out there. I want my desire for what is better to motivate me completely. I want to always see my struggles as things that are not good for me; they are only destructive. People tell me this all the time, and I need to really start believing them.

Maybe everything can really be all right if I give it a chance. God has promised that He will finish what He has started, and I will do my best to cling tightly to that truth. I must never give up. I must keep going, even if I have to do it one tiny step at a time.

"I'm no kid in a kid's game,
Did what I did,
I got no one to blame.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up...

I'm no fighter,
But I'm fighting.
This whole world seems uninviting.
But I don't give up,
No, I don't ever give up.
I fall down sometimes,
Sometimes I come back flying...

Not clean,
Not washed up.
This dream,
I don't ever give up."

Oh, how often I have repeated this song on my iPod! Patty Griffin is a genius. I don't think a ton of people know who she is, but the woman can write. Her songs are heavy with meaning, determination, pain, sadness....so much emotion. Sometimes there's a little too much emotion for me to hear, but I listen anyway. I love the above referenced song though, "I Don't Ever Give Up."

Refusing to throw in the towel is of utmost importance. For so long I have wanted to QUIT (ask any of my close friends), and somehow I've made it to this place, hanging on by some very weak thread most of the time. There have been days that have been so bad that I just figured there was absolutely no way anything could possibly change. In fact, on those days, I was completely convinced that there was no way out of my own personal hell.

BUT...big or small - there is always SOME KIND of solution. I need to remind myself of this [always].

There are going to be good times and bad. Ups and downs. I keep hearing that that's just the way life is, and I am starting to believe that there is truth in such a statement. I will mess up, and I will be disappointed with myself and possibly with others. Expectations will not always be met. I will not always feel like I am on cloud 9; I might feel like I'm on cloud -5 some days. But that doesn't mean that my life will remain in that place forever. I just have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep fighting. As long as I am trying, I have not failed. If I were to quit, that is when failure would come. I know all of this sounds extremely straight forward, cliche, and even simple (maybe it is?)... In my opinion, it is much easier said than done, but I have to at least TRY. That's all. And then I can see how things go from there.

Seriously?

I am consistently inconsistent. Up and down, back and forth...you name it. I can wake up one way and be a different way an hour later. Give me a few hours more, and I could be in another place. I drive myself crazy! And the past few days have been a great example of this. I would get started in the morning, feeling hopeful and slightly confident, but around lunch time I would start to feel like I was just falling apart at the seams. I couldn't stop my thoughts, all of the lies and anxieties. I was afraid I would mess something up, and part of me actually wanted to, which just made me completely disappointed in myself. Why must I feel this way? Why must I think like this? Will I always deal with this crap? I mean, come on! Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore, like I can't get away. But then I read these things...

2 Corinthians 12:9a (English Standard Version)
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

This is pretty straight forward, right? Grace... Ever since I can remember, GRACE has been one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp and accept. I don't think there is ever going to be a day when I completely understand it, but I want something to click. I need something to click. I want to live in grace as I should. I want to rest in it. I want to continually receive it. That's the hard part - receiving. I know for so long I have thought that God's grace could not possibly come all the way down to my lowest low, but He meets me where I am. And as hard as it is to allow Him to do that, He doesn't want me to try to fix myself up for Him. That's His deal. He makes us clean. He transforms us. He creates newness.

I know these things, but to constantly trust and live in that way seems completely impossible to me almost ALL of the time. I tend to wonder: Could I really be changed? Can I really be transformed? Is that a possibility for me? Does He seriously want to give me grace despite who I am?    
Seriously???
YES!
This verse means what it says, and that's that.

1 Peter 5:10-11 (Contemporary English Version)
"But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. 
That's why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you 
to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, 
but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm. 
God will be in control forever! Amen."

I love these two verses, but the part that really gets me is that..."God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm." Seriously? I want those four things, and right now, I feel as though I am the exact opposite of them all. I am not complete. I am NOT steady. I am not strong. I am not firm.  But there's some hope here, right? This is a promise. I must cling tightly to it and trust that everything can be all right. What do I have if I do not have something in which to hope?

"I am Yours"

A few months ago, I had a bit of a "revelation," if you will...
I was visiting my grandparents in Dallas one weekend, and I was up early on that Saturday (BIG surprise) listening to some music. Music is a huge part of my life, part of what makes me tick, so I really pay attention to the lyrics while I'm listening. That morning I kept hearing a certain theme come up over and over in a number of songs on this one worship CD:
I am Yours.
I am Yours.
I am Yours.

"Should I keep listening to this?" I thought... "I don't know if I can really let this sink in. It seems far too overwhelming honestly." But I replayed the songs. I would rewind those specific sections with that powerful phrase, and I desperately tried to make sense of it all. Is it true? Is it true for ME? Am I His? Does this apply to me? Is it too far-fetched? If it is true, does this truth extend to me?

The answers? YES, it is true. It is true for me. It is true for others. I am not the exception. It is not too far-fetched. This truth does extend to me. I AM HIS.

For some reason, and for so long, I have had the hardest time understanding that the truth applies to me. I have believed the same things for my whole life - I've been a Christian for a long time. But as I've grown up, I have learned that I need to figure out some things for myself. It's great that I have been brought up in the church and that I have learned things from such a young age, BUT there comes a point in life when we have to make our own decisions; we have to learn things for ourselves. We have to make very personal decisions about so many things. We have to find reason, meaning, purpose. So we search.

I found out that I still believed what I had learned, but I had a hard time truly experiencing anything. I still have a hard time with that. I become so numb, stagnant, apathetic. I get stuck. I become underwhelmed. I hate to even say all of this, but it's true. This is how things have been for the last ten years or so. Much of it could very likely be my own fault, but that doesn't make me hate it any less. With the numbness comes the lies. With the lies comes disbelief. And with disbelief...well, it is just a huge, horrible cycle from there. I might start to think that I will only let things matter if I can FEEL it. But here's the thing - believing is not always feeling. I have heard that sentence over and OVER from some very wise people in my life, and I am just now starting to understand it a little. I cannot rely on how I feel all the time, because my feelings change often. I am pretty all over the place with my emotions during just a single day, SO...I have to rest in truth. I have to believe first and foremost (which can be so freaking difficult!). Feelings - good or bad - come and go all the time, but truth remains.

And I am mentioning all of this to say that my fickle feelings do not change God. He is constant when I am chaotic. He is strong when I am weak. He is all that I am NOT. His love does not change even if I do. And no matter what I feel, I am still His. My feelings don't change that. I am wanted, and I am loved. The lies that fill my mind do not morph all of that truth into something else. If truth was based on how I felt, I would be in a world of hurt.

FYI: This post has turned into something completely different from what I had originally planned. I do hope all of it makes some kind of sense though.

Choices. Choices. Choices.

I have a choice. Part of life is definitely a series of choices. Most of the time it seems as though I don't necessarily have a choice, but I am continually reminded that I do. So that must be the truth, correct? While I am surely not going to reach any level of perfection, it IS possible for me to do the right thing, to choose what is better. It has been an EXTREMELY slow process, but I am learning to make choices. I am learning that I have a choice. I have a right to choose. I think for a long time I have seen myself as a victim who could only succumb to the destructive ways of my mind, but it doesn't have to be that way. I do not have to be nailed down by my struggles.

It is a mental, emotional, physical fight every single moment of every single day right now, but I have hope that it will not always be like this. I have hope that I can come out on the other side at some point. And maybe, just maybe, it won't feel so cumbersome to make these choices. Maybe I could feel a little more normal again...whatever normal is. I don't think there's a clear definition for that at all! :)

Today I will remind myself of this verse...
Psalm 73:26
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Thank goodness I do not have to rely on myself for everything. I have to make choices, but I can get the strength to do so from the Lord. That is a choice too. But it is possible.

I choose to make today one full of success.

It has been quite some time since I have written. I started this blog thinking I would post ALL the time, but I just continued to write in my own journal instead. 2011 was not my most favorite year, not a year I am overwhelmingly proud of...BUT slowly as this new year has begun, a few things have started change. Each change is subtle and would probably seem relatively small to someone else, but to me, ANY change is a HUGE freaking deal.

I'm not even sure where I should begin. The last time I posted something was spring/summer of 2011...it's now an entire year later, and a lot has happened. It is all quite jumbled in my mind, so it might be a little all over the place as I write - bare with me.

Around the time that I stopped writing before, I started the mentor/mentee program at Crosspoint. Hands down one of the the best things that has ever happened to me. Hallie James is my mentor, and I could not be more grateful. She has walked with me through so much, she has put up with my crap and my chaos, and she has shown me grace and love the entire time. What ever did I do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've done the opposite of being someone who deserves such grace and love, yet it has continually been given time and time again. No words could ever convey my gratitude, and I could never say enough.

And speaking of people in my life, I am growing much closer to my family in so many ways. I think that right now is probably the most healthy any of our relationships have ever been, and I am so glad. It has taken a LOT of time and hard work, but I think we are learning how to better communicate, how to love, and how to show that love. It is by no means perfect (never will be), but there has been change and growth. I love and enjoy my family so very much, and I am learning more and more how to uniquely appreciate each person individually.

I'm going to skip WAY ahead to this past month or so. I have done a lot of thinking and wondering, as always, and some things are slowly (but surely) starting to click in this screwed up brain of mine. I know that not everyone knows my struggles that I deal with on a daily basis, and maybe one day I will share that in here...but it is a BIG deal that things are starting to really sink in. My usual beliefs are starting to seem ludicrous at times. I am starting to see those beliefs as the lies that they really are. For about ten or eleven years (and more intensely the past seven years), I have believed the same things, turning them over and over in my mind, never feeling like anything could ever change. I've believed that my life would always remain the same, that I would stay stuck and hopeless as always. I have just assumed that anything more was not in any way possible. What I have heard again and again is that those things are not true. Sure, it sounds really nice when someone else says it. Seems easy. Seems like it could, of course, be true for them. But IT IS ALSO TRUE FOR ME! I am not THE exception to the Lord's love and purpose. He did not create every other person with a meaning and then leave me out. That doesn't even make sense! But I have believed it. I have believed every possible LIE a person could believe, trust me, and it is a very constant battle to fight all of those things away. All day I have to choose what to believe, what to think about.

But for the first time in so long, I feel hopeful. I feel as though not all is lost.  I don't have to wake up each morning and only hope that the day will hasten to its end. There are other things out there. The Lord is FOR me, not AGAINST me. And if I have Him fighting for me, why do I need to be so afraid...? Now that I just typed that out, I am really going to have to think about it throughout the day. I tend to live in great fear, but why? Why do I let fear run things??

I really could keep going on and on and on, but I will be late for work if I don't stop writing. Until later!