Chill out.

Look up. Then look straight ahead.
Take a step. Then keep going.

For almost a year, my life has been very different (in a GOOD way), the kind of different that I honestly did not believe was possible. I mean, let's be real. When you've done the same destructive things for so long, and when you've actually found ways to make it all worse, it is extremely difficult to even begin to entertain the thought of recovery. Consistent recovery. Being able to somehow feel that you are allowed to make choices that will get you to a better place. Finding motivation. Having a personal desire for life. Clinging tightly to hope that you never expected to feel.

And then there is the whole, "What?! The world is not going to implode if I eat something or refuse to use some kind of other behavior that doesn't actually serve me well?" I'm not saying I don't have freak out moments, but I have evidence now that nothing crazy is going to happen and that I don't have to find some destructive way to "remedy" the situation. The thoughts and feelings that can throw me off really DO pass. Seeing that for myself has made such a difference in the way I approach things.

While we're on the subject of those freak out moments, sometimes they don't feel like they will ever go away. These moments (and some days, they are certainly more than just little moments) can and will come in many different forms for any given person.

There can be this HUGE wave of confusion and overwhelming negativity, debilitating fear, damaging insecurity, crushing sorrow, dark depression, deep-rooted self-hatred, infuriating frustration, obsessiveness, impulsiveness, total lack of control, roaring anger. 

I might wake up in the morning and think, "Ok. I'm over it. Tomorrow needs to get here pronto." Some days are just plain hard, and some really freaking suck! But I (we!) must remember that no feeling is final, no circumstance is final. I have been reminded that God is far greater than all of the crap in my life, the messes I get myself into and the ones that may happen to me. He is bigger than our fears, what we lack, where we are weak, in the ways we could never measure up to that unattainable standard in our minds. I am fairly certain that I am not alone in being my own worst enemy, but I would like to believe that we could allow ourselves to receive the grace that will never, ever fail us. I know...it is easier said than done to accept what we know we don't deserve, but we have to try. We must do our best to live in that grace, knowing that we really don't need to judge ourselves as much we do. 

"You are more sinful than you could dare imagine, and you are more loved and accepted than you could ever dare hope." --- Tim Keller

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest." --- Exodus 14:14

God knows we are worth the fight. He loves us and He likes us too. 

Remember today (reminding myself too): No one is a lost cause. Our mistakes do not define us. We are loved relentlessly and without condition. What is scary and what is difficult will not last, and we do not need to compensate with avoidance or impulsivity or destruction. We will make it. We will be ok. 

There truly IS hope - I promise. 

Getting somewhere...?

Truth is a trivial thing.

truth (noun): a verified or indisputable fact.
-- verified (adjective): confirmed
-- indisputable (adjective): unquestionably real or valid, incontestable

Whether it is complex or simple and straight forward, truth can be extremely difficult to grasp. As children we fearlessly accept what is true. We don't analyze it or complicate it - it is what it is. Unfortunately, as we grow and learn, we begin to question so many things about ourselves and about life in general. That does not have to necessarily be a bad thing, because I think we need to figure things out for ourselves on some level. The problem is, however, that we can stray way too far from the truth. It can become scary to accept an unknown or devastating reality, and there are times when other truths can seem too good to be possible.

We doubt. We doubt ourselves. We doubt others. We doubt God. I'm sure the list could go on for many of us. Our doubts can then beget lies, and those lies can become what we believe to be true. There are ideas we somehow come up with or create that devour us. Sometimes we might even hear a negative thing about who we are from another person that may confirm something we already think or it becomes a new lie we believe.

((hopefully some of that makes sense))

For the past couple of weeks I've been writing down different truths as they come to mind in order to remind myself over and over. I have written things like:
- I am loved, and it is perfectly ok to receive that.
- My identity is not in what I have struggled with (eating disorder, self-harm, depression) -- those things are simply part of my story.
- My indentity is not in guilt or shame or mistakes either.
- I am NOT perfect, and I do NOT have to be.
      "Nobody is perfect. I just don't believe in perfection.
        But I do believe in saying, 'This is who I am and look
        at me not being perfect!' I'm proud of that." -- Kate Winslet
- Taking care of myself does not make me selfish.
- God's grace reaches me.
- God loves me relentlessly.
- There is always a way out.
      "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
       God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond
       your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the
       way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." -- 1 Corinthians 10:13
- A step (or two) backwards, sidewides, or in a random circle does not negate the progress that has  already been made.
- Being in recovery does not equal a lack of control.
- I am capable of and allowed to choose how I react.
- The Lord makes brokenness into something beautiful.
       "He has made everything beautiful in its time." -- Ecclesiastes 3:11a
- I have potential.
- God can do things that I cannot do.
- Just because I am different from someone else does not mean I am inadequate.
- I am allowed to be proud of myself.
- I know full well that difficult feelings and thoughts DO pass.
- I am more than how I look on the outside.
- Not only does God love me, He likes me too.
- I can push my fear aside and move forward.
- God is constant and steady no matter how chaotic and inconsistent I am on any given day.
- It really is ok to be happy.

This stuff is not at all easy to accept, believe, and remember, but I am trying to trust that [with practice] my brain will be geared in a better direction.

There are many more truths, but these are the most
prominent ones that have come to my mind.
The cool thing is, this is not only true for me but for others too.

So maybe try to remind yourself of some truth as well.
It is ok to affirm what already exists for us.