Take a step. Then keep going.
For almost a year, my life has been very different (in a GOOD way), the kind of different that I honestly did not believe was possible. I mean, let's be real. When you've done the same destructive things for so long, and when you've actually found ways to make it all worse, it is extremely difficult to even begin to entertain the thought of recovery. Consistent recovery. Being able to somehow feel that you are allowed to make choices that will get you to a better place. Finding motivation. Having a personal desire for life. Clinging tightly to hope that you never expected to feel.
And then there is the whole, "What?! The world is not going to implode if I eat something or refuse to use some kind of other behavior that doesn't actually serve me well?" I'm not saying I don't have freak out moments, but I have evidence now that nothing crazy is going to happen and that I don't have to find some destructive way to "remedy" the situation. The thoughts and feelings that can throw me off really DO pass. Seeing that for myself has made such a difference in the way I approach things.
While we're on the subject of those freak out moments, sometimes they don't feel like they will ever go away. These moments (and some days, they are certainly more than just little moments) can and will come in many different forms for any given person.
There can be this HUGE wave of confusion and overwhelming negativity, debilitating fear, damaging insecurity, crushing sorrow, dark depression, deep-rooted self-hatred, infuriating frustration, obsessiveness, impulsiveness, total lack of control, roaring anger.
I might wake up in the morning and think, "Ok. I'm over it. Tomorrow needs to get here pronto." Some days are just plain hard, and some really freaking suck! But I (we!) must remember that no feeling is final, no circumstance is final. I have been reminded that God is far greater than all of the crap in my life, the messes I get myself into and the ones that may happen to me. He is bigger than our fears, what we lack, where we are weak, in the ways we could never measure up to that unattainable standard in our minds. I am fairly certain that I am not alone in being my own worst enemy, but I would like to believe that we could allow ourselves to receive the grace that will never, ever fail us. I know...it is easier said than done to accept what we know we don't deserve, but we have to try. We must do our best to live in that grace, knowing that we really don't need to judge ourselves as much we do.
"You are more sinful than you could dare imagine, and you are more loved and accepted than you could ever dare hope." --- Tim Keller
"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest." --- Exodus 14:14
God knows we are worth the fight. He loves us and He likes us too.
Remember today (reminding myself too): No one is a lost cause. Our mistakes do not define us. We are loved relentlessly and without condition. What is scary and what is difficult will not last, and we do not need to compensate with avoidance or impulsivity or destruction. We will make it. We will be ok.
There truly IS hope - I promise.
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