I know I have said this before - I cannot be perfect. But for goodness sake! Could I stop being so stubborn?? Moving forward is what I want for my life. I want to HAVE a life. I want to feel content and satisfied...but I continue to hold on to so many terrible thoughts and feelings and actions. I do what I do not want to do, and I don't do what I should do all the time. What is it going to take? When is everything going to truly click (entirely). I know I've said that things are slowly starting to get better, but I need them to continue. Maybe I'm being impatient; I can't really tell. I could be moving at an ok pace, but I always want to go faster. Maybe I'm just not ready for faster right now...
I expect a lot of myself, and it's disappointing when I do not reach my own standards. I think that everyone sets their own standards too high though. At least, that's what I have found to be true in most people whom I know. We probably all need to give ourselves a bit of a break every once in a while. But really, when will I get the hang of things? When will I be able to simply let go of control and give it ALL to the Lord. I have realized that I can't do everything on my own, but I have trouble continually handing things over. It's not my job to save myself though, right? It's my job to give things up and let God win my battles and create victory. I know there are certain choices and actions that I must put forth, but God is bigger and greater than any of what I deal with. This is something else I need to get through my stubborn, cynical mind.
All of this probably sounds jumbled, but I just needed to get some thoughts out there. I want my desire for what is better to motivate me completely. I want to always see my struggles as things that are not good for me; they are only destructive. People tell me this all the time, and I need to really start believing them.
Maybe everything can really be all right if I give it a chance. God has promised that He will finish what He has started, and I will do my best to cling tightly to that truth. I must never give up. I must keep going, even if I have to do it one tiny step at a time.
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